Which World Cup Team Should I Support In 2018?

I am a die-hard/casual/new/future soccer fan looking for my forever/temporary home. Which World Cup team should I support in Russia?

You (I) are (am) looking for a team to support during the 2018 FIFA Men's World Cup in Russia. Well, friend, you have come to the right place. We here at The18 have a special formula that allows us to pick the perfect team for each type of fan. There's a team for every type of fan, and a type of fan for every team. So, read on, and find your soccer soulmate.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Am A Frontrunner?

Germany

You are familiar with the Gary Lineker quote, yes? "Football is a simple game. Twenty-two men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans always win."

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Love Redemption Stories?

Brazil

Fresh (sort of) off a 7-1 heartbreak semifinal against Germany (see above) at home in the 2014 World Cup, Brazil bounced back with a monster qualifying campaign. All they have to do now is win the thing in Russia to avenge their performance in Rio. Are Dunga and his boys up to the task? Hopefully they'll have Neymar this time.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Believe Performance-Enhancing Drugs Should Be Allowed In Sports?

Russia

Recent events regarding the Russia Olympic Team have led this blog to the conclusion that the movie Rocky IV is actually a documentary and Ivan Drago is a real person. Has the Russian national team been partaking in a similar regimen? That's between the athletes and God and a team of doctors and scientists based deep in the Kremlin, away from prying Western eyes.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Am A Hipster?

Iceland

Beards? Check. Tattoos? Check. "Oh you've probably never heard of them" factor? Not as high as it used to be but we'll give it to them. Check. Culture appropriated by peers? Check. Liking them is now considered kind of insufferable? Double check. Hop up on the bandwagon if your skinny jeans are sufficiently stretchy as to allow you to jump. There's still some room up here.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Am A Bandwagon Jumper?

Egypt

Mohamed Salah has burst on the scene (the Ballon d'Or scene, not the general soccer scene, relax) this season and has somehow established himself as one of the few athletes who it's cool to like just because he's really, really good. These opportunities don't come along very often. Take advantage.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Love Seeing Lots Of Goals?

Belgium

Belgium's attack boasts Kevin de Bruyne, Romelu Lukaku, Eden Hazard, Yannick Carrasco, Michy Batshuayi and Dries Mertens. Meanwhile, their midfield and defense [REDACTED]. There will be goals, y'all.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Love Stingy Defense?

Costa Rica

They play possibly the most organized back four in the world, which is why they made it to the quarterfinals in 2014. Their goalkeeper is Keylor Navas, who people underrate even though he has won the last two Champions Leagues with Real Madrid and could make it three on May 26 in Kiev.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Want To See History Made?

Argentina

The only knock on Lionel Messi at this point is he hasn't won the World Cup (even though he has won the World Cup Golden Ball). I personally believe he's the best footballer ever, and if he drags this Argentina team to glory that would make it damn near inarguable.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Am A USA Fan Looking For A Home?

Mexico

Our neighbors to the south have a very fun team, with electric wingers, creative midfielders and a coach who's liable to send out any formation at any time. We might see a return of the W-M! We might see the 4-2-2-2 Brazilian Box midfield! I don't know! No one knows! It will be interesting to find out, though.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Want All Hell To Break Loose?

Uruguay

Uruguay's 2010 World Cup campaign involved Luis Suarez purposely saving a Ghana shot on the goal-line with his hands and being sent off. Ghana missed the ensuing penalty and Uruguay advanced.

Uruguay's 2014 World Cup campaign involved Luis Suarez biting Giorgio Chiellini on the shoulder and getting sent off. Uruguay advanced anyway.

Luis Suarez will be at the 2018 World Cup with Uruguay, and I am at the edge of my seat here, people. I hope he lets a tiger loose on the field.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Want To Get Made Fun Of A Lot?

England

It's not that they're bad, it's that they're England. You say you support England and people will just shake their heads and stare at the ground and mutter their condolences. Or they'll roast you and ask about what Harry Kane is going to swear on his daughter's life about next. Actually it's the second one. Definitely the second one. Joe Hart's going to start in goal, isn't he? Lmao.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Only Care About Fashion?

Senegal

Which World Cup Tea Should I Support? - Senegal Kit

Senegal's 2018 World Cup away kit. Photo: @_theghettomonk | Twitter

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Just Want To See Some Cool Soccer Skills?

Spain

You are cordially invited to watch what Isco, Iniesta, David Silva, Marco Asensio, Sergio Busquets, Jordi Alba and the rest of the gang are about to do. There will be feathery touches and there will be roulette turns and there will be nutmegs. Feast your eyes.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Want To Root For A Dark Horse But Not A Favorite?

Croatia

Any midfield that has Luka Modric and Ivan Rakitic should never be discounted, but any defense with Dejan Lovren can probably be discounted. Let's just split the difference.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I'm Just Happy To Be Here?

Australia

The Socceroos are not going to make it out of the group stage and probably won't win a game but that doesn't mean you can't party like they just won the thing. Quite the opposite, in fact. 

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Love The United States's Questionable Political Allies?

Saudi Arabia

We will update this section just as soon as our security clearance is approved by the State Department.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Want The 2026 World Cup To Be Held In Morocco?

Morocco

(puts on a "USA 2026" hat and gives you the stink-eye)

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Want To See Heat-Rock banger Long Shot Goals?

Colombia

James Rodriguez is guaranteed to launch a few meteors in Russia and we can only hope they find their targets.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Want More Colorful Characters In My Life?

Denmark

Meet Nicklas Bendtner, a.k.a. Lord Bentdner. He is known for his pants-related follies and at one point being an actual lord. There will be hi-jinks and they will be fantastic.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Love The Movie "Sahara," Starring Matthew McConaughey, Steve Zahn And Penelope Cruz?

Panama

Yes I am aware that movie takes place in Niger and Mali. Here is what I am referring to:

No wonder Dwight Schrute sells paper now. Safer.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Love Terrible Puns And Dad Jokes?

Iran

Oh really how far?

They're just going to get worse, folks.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Love Product Endorsements And Abs?

Portugal

I trust you are at least somewhat familiar with the work of one Cristiano Ronaldo.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Am Having An Existential Crisis?

France

Watching France's front six try to co-exist on a soccer field against an organized defense is best understood via an Albert Camus novel, which is to say it will probably not be understood at all.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Want To Dial The World Cup Hysteria Up To 11?

Peru

Peru suspended their national league so the national team players could train for their play-off against New Zealand and then declared a national holiday when they qualified. Do you have any flares? You're going to need some flares.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Want To See A Favorite Get Knocked Out In The Group Stage?

Nigeria

Nigeria have been drawn in the same group as Argentina and have recently beaten Argentina 4-2 in a friendly. Hmmmm.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Love Precision Watches And Money Laundering?

Switzerland

The main reason to watch Switzerland, really, is to see how Xherdan Shaquiri channels his rage at Stoke getting relegated. Positive rage-channeling could result in a trip to the knockout stage. Negative rage-channeling will result in he and Granit Xhaka turning into the Bash Brothers from D2: The Mighty Ducks. It's a coin-flip folks.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Am A Student Of Recent History And Political Unrest?

Serbia

Serbia, formerly Serbia & Montenegro, which itself was formerly part of Yugoslavia, formerly part of the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats and Slovenes, which is as far back in history as I am willing to go, is embroiled in a conflict over whether Kosovo is an independent state or not. Kosovo declared independence in 2008, and is recognized as an independent nation by 113 United Nations members. Serbia is not one of the 113 recognizers.

That's about as far as I feel like going into this, so if you have any further inquiries please direct them to The18's Chief Political Correspondent, Travis Yoesting.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Love Players Who Don't Get enough Credit?

South Korea

We don't expound on the virtues of Heung-min Son nearly often enough around these parts, but he is very, very good.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Want To Hear Zlatan Ibrahimovic Talk About How Much Better Everything Would Have Been If He Had Been Playing?

Sweden

Even if they win the damn thing, Zlatan will still be out there appearing on talk shows and telling the world they would have won by more if they had Zlatan.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Love Roman History And Carthaginian General Hannibal And His War Elephants?

Tunisia

Carthage was the capital city, located in modern-day northern Tunisia, of an ancient Phoenician civilization of the same name. The Carthaginean Empire was one of the main, some would say the only, existential threats to the Roman Empire during the height of its power.

The city was eventually conquered by Rome in 146 BC, but not before Carthaginian general Hannibal Barca (one of the greatest military minds in history and also the namesake of comedian Hannibal Buress) pulled one of the slickest military maneuvers in history and occupied much of Italy for about 15 years.

Now, Carthage is south of Rome and both cities have/had ports on the Mediterrenean sea, so most of the fighting and troop transport was done via boat. I will let the Guardian explain how Hannibal pulled a fast one and scared the bejeezuz ouf of the Roman army:

The Romans had presumed that the Alps created a secure natural barrier against invasion of their homeland. They hadn’t reckoned with Hannibal’s boldness. In December he smashed apart the Roman forces in the north, assisted by his awesome elephants, the tanks of classical warfare. Many of the animals died of cold or disease the following winter, but Hannibal fought his way down through Italy. For 15 years he ravaged the land, killing or wounding over a million citizens but without taking Rome. But when he faced the Roman general Scipio Africanus at Zama in north Africa in 202BC, his strategic genius met its match. So ended the second Punic war, with Rome the victor.

Hannibal’s alpine crossing has been celebrated in myth, art and film. JMW Turner made high drama of it in 1812, a louring snowstorm sending the Carthaginians into wild disarray. The 1959 sword-and-sandals epic movie, with Victor Mature in the eponymous title role, made Hannibal’s “crazed elephant army” look more like the polite zoo creatures they obviously were.

War elephants y'all. WAR DAMN ELEPHANTS.

Next time you get the notion that history is boring please read those two paragraphs over and over and over again until the image of crazed war elephants RUNNING DOWN OUT OF THE GODDAMN ALPS at terrified legionnaires becomes stuck in your mind and you develop a greater appreciation for ancient civilizations.

GODDAMN FUCKING ELEPHANTS CHARGING OUT OF THE MOUNTAINS. IMAGINE.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Get All The New Cell Phones And Laptops Before Anybody Else?

Japan

Presumably you will see all the goals and other highlights before everyone else on your fancy cell phone that hasn't been released in the United States yet, so congratulations.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Want To See One Player Score Five Goals In Nine Minutes?

Poland

Robert Lewandowski is the only player involved in the World Cup, to my knowledge, who has performed this particular feat in a professional match. So, it stands to reason that he will be the one to do it in the World Cup, if it's anyone.

Which World Cup Team Should I Support If I Am Currently In Denial?

USA! USA! USA!

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