The Quest To Find The Perfect Soccer Ball For Your Dog

We need something indestructible, but we also need something that moves like the Jabulani.

Covid-19 continues to spread rampantly with 35 U.S. states still posting higher than recommended positivity rates. The implications of this are far-reaching and continue to affect our daily lives, but I’m here to talk about the most important of the least important things: playing recreational soccer.

For many it’s been a no go since March — we’ve become like Hatem Ben Arfa at PSG but without the monthly salary of $570,000 or the option of training with the reserves (never!). There’s not a lot we can do except find joy in cheap imitation, like Argentina’s “Metegol Humano” or Fall Guys’ “Fall Ball.”  

Personally, I literally get my kicks by playing with my dog (Stella | 40 lbs | Collie Mix | Wales national team | Occasional Madridista when Gareth Bale is involved). She’s gotten to the point where she can effectively — if unknowingly — perform drag backs and ball rolls. Her first touch is erratic and her tactical discipline is suspect, but she’s blessed with pace, stamina and a low center of gravity. 

She does understand the fundamentals of the counter press and is hellbent when it comes to recovering possession — Stella’s essentially the Collie version of Weston McKennie and could definitely do a job in Southampton’s midfield.

The problem is that she destroyed her Nerf Airtuff soccer ball. The second problem is that Target hasn’t restocked it and I must now brave the waters of Amazon, where I invariably get stuck reading negative reviews and trying to imagine just who this person is and what kind of life they lead.

Reviews of Soccer Ball Toys for Dogs on Amazon

Soccer ball toy for dogs

I thought it was $10.99?

Soccer ball toy

Go easy on 'em, Stewart!

Soccer ball dog toy

You don't want to know what's inside these things.

Soccer ball

I don't know who needs to hear this, but...

Dog-slimed

This dog needs church. 

soccer ball for dog

Wait for it...

Plastic trash

"I now have a box of 30 dead balls." 

dead balls

Throwing shade at the dog.

Marilyn

Didn't even give it to the dog . . . wait, what?

soccer ball toy

LU LOVES IT.

soccer ball for dogs

Soccer ball for dogs

Satisfied customer.

Soccer ball toy for dogs

Turned my dog into an unrepentant child killer.

warning

WHAT WOULD WE DO?!

soccer ball toy

Brought it outside and just guess what happened!

Soccer ball dog toy

Is this a good thing?

dog toy

Soccer ball toy for dogs

Project Mbappé has failed.

Not good

Sworn enemies since the beginning of time.

Dog vs Ball

Not mad, just disappointed in America.

soccer ball toy

What else can you say?

Sad

We found Air Bud, folks.

Great soccer ball

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