Our 4-Year-Old Boy Has Really Become An Insufferable Little Monster

Why did we create this thing?

It's been over four years since Lionel Messi, wearing a hoodie and with his hands stuffed in his pockets, awkwardly faced a cellphone camera and uttered those now infamous words: "¡Hola David!"

I wish I'd never lived to see the day.

The video was a message congratulating David Beckham on being awarded an MLS expansion team in January of 2018. The link between Messi and Inter Miami was established and a new transfer rumor was born — and it's since grown into the most nefarious, ill-behaved little shit of a four-year-old you'll ever find.

Like the deer tick, this blood sucker emerges every spring and threatens you with symptoms of headache and fatigue. Like clockwork, we got our first "BOMBSHELL NEWS REPORT" on Tuesday — this one from the team at DIRECTV Sports. I didn't even know they had a team at DIRECTV Sports.

What do you do when you're breaking the story of the year? Give it the melodramatic El Chiringuito TV treatment, of course. This all just screams BS.    

But war, children, it's just a shot away.

It's just a shot away.

It's just a shot away.

The truth? Messi's agent has since denied the report, saying it "is completely false, Leo has not yet decided on his future."

Messi might play for Miami some day — he owns a condo in Miami Beach and has spoken of MLS as a future possibility — but the current rumors are just as fabricated as the 2021, 2020, 2019 and 2018 ones.