Chronic Faker Disorder is real, and it’s not pretty. But for the thousands who suffer from soccer’s most taboo malady, adidas is here to help.
Chronic Faker Disorder — or CFD as the kids call it — afflicts footballers young and old with two primary ailments: the inability to stay upright and a debilitating lack of creativity on the pitch.
The official definition of CFD, which should be included in the next edition of the DSM, is: “the gross exaggeration of bodily contact or injury; commonly seen in players with little to no agility.”
Diagnosis is not simple, but those with a keen eye can spot those with CFD. Warning signs can range from innocuous symptoms like weak knees, loss of leg strength and loud tantrums to more serious indicators like mid-game attempts to fly, spontaneous collapse and, worst of all, wet cheeks.
We’ve all seen the sad effects of those stricken with CFD in the professional game, perhaps worst of all at the beloved World Cup, where even the most famous of footballers find themselves unable to stay on their feet.
But CFD affects all levels of players. It’s no laughing matter and can tear families apart.
Being diagnosed with CFD is not comfortable for anyone, least of all the loved ones of those too stubborn to get help or, worse, unwilling to accept they even have the condition.
But the shame of the disorder should not prevent soccer players from seeking treatment. And there is, mercifully, finally a breakthrough cure developed by the folks at adidas, involving a one-time trip to Creators Camp and ongoing Nemeziz therapy.
The Nemeziz 19 soccer cleats from adidas are the first publicly available treatment for Chronic Faker Disorder. The latest Nemeziz boots are proven to turn fakers into creators with a 100-percent success rate over a placebo generic boot when players are motivated to change.
Side effects may include: unparalleled agility, optimal traction and creative artistry with the ball.
Nemeziz isn’t for everyone; it’s for creators only. Ask your coach if your team needs you to pull off quick pivots and rapid bursts of speed, and onlookers and passersby should be warned ahead of time lest they break their necks snapping back for a second look at the sleek, laceless shoes.
Unfortunately, no vaccine has been created just yet for CFD. Instead, consistent therapy is required to prevent relapse. Consult your coach and ensure you always have the latest Nemeziz cleats to stay up to date on your treatment.
