Francesco Totti’s wife of 10 years, Ilary Blasi, has revealed to an Italian weekly that the great man is preparing to announce his retirement from football after 24 illustrious seasons with A.S. Roma.
Goddammit.
With Totti turning 40 next year, and having been sidelined by injuries throughout much of 2015, Blasi is quoted as saying, "...right now he is desiring something else."
One can only hope that this quote was simply taken out of context, that Blasi was only referring to how Totti had spent the previous night watching Starship Troopers on Netflix and was now keen on a romantic comedy, something like Silver Linings Playbook.
Following the announcement, over three billion soccer fans worldwide stood around in disbelief, tears welling in their eyes, attempting to imagine a footballing world without The King of Rome, The Gladiator, The Golden Boy of Italy.
Seeing as how Totti was the main reason many of the three billion spectators and participants had flocked to the game in the first place, they were collectively unable to accomplish this piece of mental gymnastics.
Unsurprisingly, no one had any issues with imagining a glorious recall to the Italian national team for Totti. The 39-year-old Roman maestro seamlessly slotting into the Italian attack, lighting up EURO 2016 and taking selfies in front of his adoring fans. "Ah, Totti. What lies your wife tells about you," we all daydreamingly ruminated in unison.
Photo: @Sembooos | Twitter
Enthralled and excited about the possibility of Totti donning the Azzurri kit once more, the reality of the actual news had to once again be forced upon the wandering minds of the footballing world.
The population, if you listened closely enough, could then be heard sobbing, “You’re telling me he’s actually going to retire? As in, he’ll take a break, get some rest and come back soon? No? Oh, Jesus, no!”
The all-time leader in quintessentially everything for Roma, Totti is one of the final relics of the ‘one-club men’. Joining the likes of Jamie Carragher, Paul Scholes, Carlos Puyol, Paolo Maldini and Ryan Giggs in retirement, it’s easy for soccer romantics to see this as the unfortunate end to a golden era.
The five-time Serie A Italian Footballer of the Year, scorer of 300 goals and FIFA World Cup champion is also rumored, according to Carlo Ancelotti, to be immortal.
GIF Francesco #Totti @OfficialASRoma @ASRomaEN @ASRomaEspanol @SerieA_TIM pic.twitter.com/3X8qLHgqEj
— I Love Totti (@ilovetotti10) January 5, 2016Helping the game reach its zenith with audacious moments of vision, ability and technique, Totti’s retirement would open a vacuum in soccer, a space devoid of the meaning and beauty he’d painstakingly crafted for it.
Essentially, soccer will henceforth be played in a black hole, without light or beauty. Come next September, the sport will gravitationally collapse, absorbing everything and everyone around it into a supermassive black hole. It'll be like watching Manchester United play on an endless loop, a hellish purgatory with Louis van Gaal as the reigning overlord.
Reportedly, the news of Totti’s forthcoming retirement might well result in three-fourths of all other professionals announcing their impending retirement. Without Totti, there can be no party. Without parties, what’s the point of all this nonsense?
Photo: @abdollah363 | Twitter
