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You thought club football was over, didn't you? Nope! Adidas, Nike and Puma have begun their multi-million dollar ad campaigns that are hell-bent on flogging you the new kits for the 2016-17 season. "Wait, what? I just dropped $300 on my Peru vs. Haiti Copa America tickets!" you might contest. Too bad. Multinational corporations can't hear your screams.
The Best New 2016-17 Club Kits
Chelsea 2016-17 Home Kit
Oscar counts how many EPL goals he scored last year. Photo: @New_Footie_Kits | Twitter
Chelsea's 2016-17 home kits will feature their blue heraldic lion subtly imprinted across it, just like your favorite pair of pajama bottoms. You can cozy up in this smart design for only $155, or by establishing a payment plan with Chelsea debt collector Diego Costa.
Manchester United 2016-17 Away Kit
Juan Mata reacts to the news that Jose Mourinho will, once again, be his manager. Photo: @BOtonoku | Twitter
Manchester United's 2016-17 away kit boasts a scratchy denim look that can only be softened with the use of a vinegar soak and sandpaper. It hearkens back to the 1994 USA World Cup kit, perhaps paying homage to Alexi Lalas and the boys.
Barcelona 2016-17 Home Kit
Photo: @xplosy | Twitter
It's incredibly refreshing to see Barcelona ditch the hoops in favor of the more traditional vertical stripes for their 2016-17 home kit. It's also refreshing to see them without a directive to get out and explore Qatar.
Borussia Dortmund 2016-17 Home Kit
Marco Reus back when his groin was happy and healthy. Photo: @therealfanatix | Twitter
Just like Borussia Dortmund's playing style, there's almost too much going on in Dortmund's 2016-17 home kit. It's a "heavy metal" kit that wants to get in your face with aggressively pointed lines and a Puma that wants to drink from your skull. Yellow is a nice color though.
Juventus 2016-17 Home and Third Kits
You don't want to know where this finger's been. Photo: @lulopdotcomglob | Twitter
Please, oh please be the real deal. Photo: @SoyTheMister | Twitter
Juve's kits are always phenomenal — they always have been and they always will be. It's just the way the Old Lady likes it. Now, their 2016-17 home kit is special, the Jeep logo is probably the least intrusive sponsor in football, but it's the rumors of the pictured third kit that would revolutionize the game. Ermahgerd.
AC Milan 2016-17 Home Kit
Photo: @AIterpu | Twitter
AC Milan's 2016-17 home kit is their own version of Kanye West's Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. It's also like Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" song near the bottom. This jersey is the blood stained remnants of a brawl between Kanye, Thicke, T.I., Pharrell, Bon Iver and Rick Ross. Yeah, exactly.
PSG 2016-17 Home Kit
Wait, where'd Zlatan go? Photo: @Eleven20Ltd | Twitter
Nike's new Vapor national team kits have been universally slammed for looking exactly the same. How they've managed to make Brazil and Australia indistinguishable on the field is a feat of ingenius mediocrity. However, they've managed to use the technology to good effect with PSG's 2016-17 home kit.
Club America 2016-17 Away Kit
Celebrating a century as a club is awesome. Celebrating it in style, now that's doing it right. Club America's 2016-17 away kit is stunning, although staring at the Coca-Cola type for long enough will make you fiend for a Cherry Coke.
Sao Paulo 2016-17 Home Kit
Hey, NBA, not having a sponsor kicks ass. Photo: @Code_Fakhry | Twitter
Yes! Look at the size of that badge! Sao Paulo's 2016-17 home kit does away with the gigantic sponsorship ads that ruin many kits, choosing instead to celebrate the club itself. A pretty novel idea, no?
Ajax 2016-17 Away Kit
Yes, there are three Xs. No, that's not an ad for sex tourism. Photo: @calcio_olandese | Twitter
Ajax's 2016-17 away kits pay homage to the Amsterdam Coat of Arms, the city's XXX flag adorning pretty much everything in the Dutch capital. Coincidentally, the colorway is what you see after imbibing your share of the the little Green Fairy.
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