USMNT Gold Cup Roster Announced AND WTF IS THIS

What? Who are these guys? That guy? Please, not that guy.

It’s absurd. It’s preposterous. It’s the USMNT Gold Cup roster. I mean, would you look at this? I can’t believe this. These are the guys Gregg Berhalter thinks can defend our CONCACAF crown while simultaneously building a longterm project that’ll secure us our first-ever World Cup triumph in 2022?

Please, get outta here with this. Not these fools. I don’t like these guys; I don’t trust these guys.   

Just look at this guy — do you know this guy? I don’t know this guy. What position does he even play? And what about that one player we all know and love? Where’s he? Dropped from the squad entirely by Berhalter, who obviously favors MLS after his time with the Crew while also showing favoritism to Europe-based players after his time playing/coaching there! What a joke. 

Where are the South American-based players? The ones who’ll give us that samba flavor?! This is unfathomable. This squad . . . I can’t even. 

This guy? LOL. Just LOL. This guy. Come on. Jesus. We all know this guy can’t hack it. We’d be better off with that 18-year-old boy. God dammit to hell.   

I’m not gonna watch this. I’m gonna blind myself with quicklime like Hazel Motes in Wise Blood so as to guarantee that I don’t see one second of this. 

Thanks a lot, U.S. Soccer. Now I just got two empty sockets for eyes.

USMNT Gold Cup Roster  

GOALKEEPERS (3): Sean Johnson (New York City FC; 7/0), Tyler Miller (LAFC; 0/0), Zack Steffen (Columbus Crew SC; 9/0)

DEFENDERS (8): Tyler Adams (RB Leipzig/GER; 10/1), Omar Gonzalez (Toronto FC/CAN; 50/3), Nick Lima (San Jose Earthquakes; 3/0), Aaron Long (New York Red Bulls; 5/0), Daniel Lovitz (Montreal Impact/CAN; 4/0), Matt Miazga (Chelsea/ENG; 13/1), Tim Ream (Fulham/ENG; 29/1), Walker Zimmerman (LAFC; 6/2)

MIDFIELDERS (6): Michael Bradley (Toronto FC/CAN; 145/17), Duane Holmes (Derby County/ENG; 1/0), Weston McKennie (Schalke/GER; 8/1), Christian Pulisic (Chelsea/ENG; 25/10), Cristian Roldan (Seattle Sounders FC; 10/0), Wil Trapp (Columbus Crew SC; 16/0)

FORWARDS (6): Jozy Altidore (Toronto FC/CAN; 110/41), Paul Arriola (D.C. United; 22/3), Tyler Boyd (Vitória Guimãres/POR; 0/0), Jonathan Lewis (Colorado Rapids; 4/0), Jordan Morris (Seattle Sounders FC; 27/5), Gyasi Zardes (Columbus Crew SC; 44/7)  

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