Why Weren’t We All Invited To Neymar’s New Year’s Eve Party?

Maybe we don’t like Batman as much as we should.

Reports of Neymar bringing death and destruction to Brazil by way of a 500-person super spreader event lasting for five consecutive days inside a soundproofed dungeon have been greatly exaggerated. According to Reuters, it’ll just be the 150 people at his New Year’s Eve party down the coast from Rio de Janeiro. 

Honestly, that number isn’t much more than the usual entourage that accompanies Neymar wherever he goes. Three-time NBA champion Draymond Green, after partying with them in Ibiza, once labeled the clique as “a huge cult.”

I, too, would rather be in a cult that pays me $11,700 a month to run around the Amnesia dance floor rather than one that forces me to drink cyanide, but I digress.   

With Brazil quickly approaching 200,000 deaths because of coronavirus, it’s an impossibly dumb maneuver on Neymar’s end. But it’s one that’s completely in line with his personal brand — even if he tried to keep it a secret by banning mobile phones (which is only ever a good idea if you’re trying to recreate 30 Days of Night).  

It’s well known in Brazil that the only safe professional route in times of economic crisis is that of Neymar’s friend, but COVID-19 doesn’t discriminate. The party, in effect, is the ultimate trial of the tattoo on Neymar’s left arm that reads “Life is a joke.”  

Party organizers say “Neymarpalooza” will be subjected to the strictest of health rules, and given Neymar’s weekly earnings of around $1 million there’s really nothing the 28-year-old can’t achieve here.

I’ve seen a number of good ideas: 

  • Purchase an island, throw it there and make everyone ride out the consequences before they can return. 
  • Purchase everyone top-of-the-line PPE, have a rager in biohazard suits. 
  • Have some human decency and call the whole thing off. 

All good ideas.  

The best idea, however, is the one that could’ve stopped this whole damn pandemic in a matter of weeks. What if, after showing images of the previous events, Neymar had organized a sort of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory type contest that promised a Golden Ticket pass after completing a two-week quarantine period?

Neymar celebrates 2020

Neymar rings in 2020 with 26 women.

Neymar 2019 party

Neymar's 2019 party: "I'm on a boat motherfucker!"

The entire world would’ve submitted in hopes of spending days on end inside a bunkered discoteca, and poof, COVID-19 is gone! I would’ve been Augustus Gloop, floating to my death down a river of caipirinha.  

Instead of being derided as an absolute prat, we probably would’ve handed Neymar the Ballon d’Or in 2021 or at least the Nobel Prize.

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