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In case you missed it – which, if you are on this website there is little chance of that – Lionel Messi was voted the 2015 FIFA Ballon d'Or winner Monday, his fifth time winning the award.
The Ballon d'Or is chosen by the national team coaches and captains of every FIFA nation, plus selected media members. In a shocking instance of not being an uber-secretive corrupt sh*thole, FIFA has published the ballot of each voter.
Because this is international soccer, weird stuff happened with those ballots. We took a look at the worst of the lot.
Related: Messi Puts The Importance Of Being Named Best Player In The World Into Perspective
The Worst Ballon d'Or Ballots Submitted By Players And Coaches
Vincent Kompany, Captain of Belgium:
1. Eden Hazard
2. Kevin de Bruyne
3. Lionel Messi
Presumably Kompany included Messi because he realized he couldn't put himself on the ballot and he couldn't remember how to spell "Romelu Lukaku."
Stephane Mbia Etounde, Captain of Cameroon:
1. Yaya Toure
2. Zlatan Ibrahimovic
3. Manuel Neuer
When we went through the ballots, a pattern emerged that every African representative was required to include Yaya Toure somewhere. After his African Player of the Year hissy fit, we can see why they wouldn't want to draw his ire.
Carlos Humberto Ruiz, Captain of Guatemala:
1. Javier Mascherano
2. Cristiano Ronaldo
3. James Rodriguez
Javier Mascherano isn't even the best center back on his own club team and James Rodriguez is the fourth-best attacking player on his club team.
Samsaliev Talant, Captain of Kyrgyzstan:
1. Zlatan Ibrahimovic
2. Manuel Neuer
3. Thomas Muller
We love Zlatan around here. We find him immensely entertaining, but this is egregious.
Jan Brice Wadriako, Captain of New Caledonia:
1. Andres Iniesta
2. Zlatan Ibrahimovic
3. Karim Benzema
Why vote for the two best players in the world when you can pick a player who can't even go a full 90 anymore (Iniesta) and one involved in a sex tape-blackmail scandal (Benzema)?
Claudio Pizarro, Captain of Peru:
1. Manuel Neuer
2. Thomas Muller
3. Toni Kroos
This ballot seemed weird to us until we did some googling and found out that most of Pizarro's career has been spent at Bayern Munich, and he played there with all three of his choices. Speaking of which...
Robert Lewandowski, Captain of Poland:
1. Manuel Neuer
2. Arturo Vidal
3. Thomas Muller
C'mon man.
Larry Mana'O, Coach of American Samoa:
1. Alexis Sanchez
2. Robert Lewandowski
3. Neymar
SOMEONE VOTED FOR ALEXIS SANCHEZ TO WIN THE BALLON D'OR. REALLY.
Marc Wilmots, Coach of Belgium:
1. Manuel Neuer
2. Kevin de Bruyne
3. Eden Hazard
I'm sensing a pattern here with the Belgians. Yeesh.
Shane Marshall, Coach of Dominica:
1. Sergio Aguero
2. Lionel Messi
3. Cristiano Ronaldo
Don't drop that Kun Kun Kun. Don't drop that Kun Kun Kun.
Stephen Phillip Constantine, Coach of India:
1. Alexis Sanchez
2. Manuel Neuer
3. Sergio Aguero
ANOTHER PERSON VOTED FOR ALEXIS SANCHEZ. GOOD LORD. Alexs Sanchez has fewer goals for his club team in one and a half seasons than many players have already this season.
Krestinin Aleksandr, Coach of Kyrgyzstan:
1. Robert Lewandowski
2. Manuel Neuer
3. Toni Kroos
These Kyrgyzstan folks must have some kind of weird Bayern Munich fetish.
Mohammed Al-Shamlan, Coach of Pakistan:
1. Arjen Robben
2. Karim Benzema
3. Cristiano Ronaldo
We are not making this ballot up, although we wish we were.
Manzaroli Pierangelo, Coach of San Marino:
1. Andres Iniesta
2. Yaya Toure
3. Alexis Sanchez
We aren't making this one up either.
Tom Saintflet, Coach of Togo:
1. Kevin de Bruyne
2. Eden Hazard
3. Yaya Toure
Tom Saintflet is Belgian. Obviously.
Christopher Coleman, Coach of Wales:
1. Gareth Bale
2. Cristiano Ronaldo
3. Eden Hazard
(Cut to Rafa Benitez silently nodding in agreement.)
Now we must acknowledge the voters who did take this thing seriously and not just vote for their buddies. Most media voters voted for Messi, which, duh. And a special shout out to Guinea captain Florentin Pogba, who would have been forgiven for voting for his brother Paul, but instead left the Juventus midfielder off the ballot (we expect to see Paul Pogba on the podium more than once in the coming years).
In the end, probably the best three players (at least the best three forwards) made the cut. So all is well. For now.
Contact The18 Staff Writer Sam Klomhaus at Klomhaus@The18.com or follow him on Twitter @SamKlomhaus
