Alas, Bastian Schweinsteiger will not win a World Cup for the Chicago Fire.

That much was confirmed when the iconic German midfielder announced his retirement on Tuesday, calling to an end an 18-year professional career that included eight Bundesliga titles, a Champions League and the 2014 World Cup with Germany.

Uli Hoeneß is acting like a child, threatening to take his toys and go home if he doesn’t get his way: The Bayern Munich president is suggesting a Germany boycott if his players don’t receive preferential treatment.

The German national team has been embroiled in a goalkeeper debate of late. While Bayern Munich’s Manuel Neuer is the long-term No. 1 keeper, many believe Barcelona’s Marc-André ter Stegen deserves more opportunities.

A UEFA Executive Committee meeting in the Slovenian capital of Ljubljana has hashed out some future Champions League final locations, so we can now confirm sites for 2021, 2022 and 2023. This year’s final will be staged in Istanbul, and then Ol’ Big Ears will travel to Saint Petersburg, Munich and London over the course of the following three competitions. 

We all knew it was coming.

After Norwich City upset Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City last week, there was never any doubt Watford would be on the end of a spanking at the Etihad on Saturday.

But this was all a bit much.

Bayern Munich was on its way to an easy victory over Red Star Belgrade to open Champions League Group B play at the Allianz Arena in Munich on Wednesday. Then it decided to pull out one extra little trick to add a bit of goal difference.

After controlling nearly three-quarters of possession and not allowing Red Star a single shot on goal, Thomas Müller scored in the 91st minute to give Bayern Munich a 3-0 win. 

The Müller goal vs Red Star was totally unnecessary, but it was fun to watch.

I know of no greater natural human curiosity than the one that demands we discover the ball’s final resting place. One of our most beloved sports, golf, is entirely based on this premise. So when a ball actually exits the field of play, the novelty of it all can lead to some of the greatest moments in all of sports.

But sometimes, you don’t want to know the end. Because how can the end be happy when so much random chance is involved?