Here’s How Your Club Will Win The MLS Cup Or Get Bounced Immediately

18 teams. One Cup. No Atlanta or Chicharito.

Unless the Independent Supporters Council decides to cancel it, the 2020 MLS Cup Playoffs are here. It promises to be a dramatic and unpredictable road to Toronto versus Seattle in the final on December 12, but we’re here to restore your faith in the media like a tried and trusted pollster with our MLS Cup playoff predictions.

2020 MLS Playoffs Preview

(8) New England Revolution vs. (9) Montreal Impact 

Friday, Nov. 20 | 6:30 p.m. ET | FS1

New England

How MLS Cup Was Won: Teal Bunbury? How old is he now? 30? We’re all getting old. 

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: Gillette Stadium is the scene of civil unrest as the Patriots suck. Robert Kraft calls in the Musket Men and they shout “READY! PRESENT ARMS!” at the mob before Bruce Arena comes rolling between the factions. He promises to unite the country like it’s 2002 all over again but he pulls a 2018 instead. 

Montreal

How MLS Cup Was Won: Sick as shit of watching Shamit Shome fail to pass it one-touch, Thierry Henry enters the locker room and says, “Look at me. I’m the regista now” and drops 20 assists in five games en route to lifting the Cup.  

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: Montreal allows 1.87 goals per game. That’d get you relegated in Europe. Have some decency. 

(7) Nashville SC vs. Inter Miami CF (10)

Friday, Nov. 20 | 9 p.m. ET | ESPN2 

Nashville 

How MLS Cup Was Won: Our prayers are answered — Dax McCarty deserves one. 

Let my people goal

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: Walker Zimmerman is traded to Austin FC tomorrow for some TAM, GAM and future considerations. 

Miami 

How MLS Cup Was Won: The Brothers Higuaín make a mean chili con carne, allowing that sucker to simmer and tossing it with succulent peppers. They are the toast of the playoffs. 

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: Inter Milan wins that lawsuit and Inter Miami is ashes to ashes, dust to dust.  

(4) Orlando City SC vs. (5) New York City FC 

Saturday, Nov. 21 | noon ET | UniMás and TUDN 

Orlando 

How MLS Cup Was Won: Mouth frozen in a triumphant roar à la Edvard Munch’s "The Scream" and his 33-year-old body stripped to the waist and bursting at the sinews, Nani raises the Cup skyward. In Turin, international compatriot Cristiano Ronaldo suddenly breaks down and begins weeping.

“Why do you cry, mi amor?” whispers Georgina Rodríguez. 

“It’s Nani…” replies Ronaldo, his face streaked with tears, lip trembling, gaze westward. “I sense my Nani.”

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: As you’ll hear 146 times in the buildup to NYCFC, this is Orlando’s maiden playoff match. The Lions will bashfully enter the field of play and ask the referee how it all works. He won’t have sufficient time to explain the Laws of the Game, and Orlando will look a lot like your mom trying to play Halo.

New York 

How MLS Cup Was Won: You’ve got to get your shit together and be better.   

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: This is not a time for pigeons. Our empty streets have brought an end to the feast of droppings that once served their proclivity for reproduction. The brood grows hungry in its nest as the parents stare into the raving face of starvation.  

(3) Columbus Crew SC vs. (6) New York Red Bulls

Saturday, Nov. 21 | 3 p.m. ET | UniMás and TUDN 

Columbus

How MLS Cup Was Won: It’s the 90th minute. 1-1. Darlington Nagbe cracks a cross-field switch onto the feet of Pedro Santos. He cuts inside, goes far post and the rest is history…

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: You drink too much of BrewDog’s "Elvis Juice" and become half man, half grapefruit peel. You cannot get up. 

New York

How MLS Cup Was Won: You pick up the phone, you call Jesse Marsch and you say, “Jesse, if it’s not too much to ask — tactically speaking, what would you do?” and then you do that.

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: How could you possibly amount to anything after reading listicle after listicle proclaiming Bradley Wright-Phillips as the signing of the season?  

(1) Sporting Kansas City vs. (8) San Jose Earthquakes

Sunday, Nov. 22 | 4 p.m. ET | FS1

Kansas City

How MLS Cup Was Won: If we can figure out what’s going on with Graham Zusi’s Twitter account. Who is “SuicidalBobby” and has he hacked it? Why isn’t anyone doing anything about this? WTF is going on? 

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: By Minnesota United in the quarterfinals. Not so nice now, huh.  

San Jose

How MLS Cup Was Won: If Jürgen Klopp plays rock and roll football, Matías Almeyda plays Nikki Sixx shooting heroin into his eyeballs ball.

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: It could be something like 8-2 and that really wouldn’t be surprising at this point. 

(4) Minnesota United FC vs. (5) Colorado Rapids

Sunday, Nov. 22 | 7:30 p.m. ET | ESPN  

Minnesota

How MLS Cup Was Won: Adrian Heath gives little Thomás Chacón some damn minutes, god dammit.  

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: Ján Greguš, Robin Lod, Kei Kamara and Romain Métanire are all required to quarantine after playing for their national teams and are unavailable against Colorado. See ya next year. 

Colorado

How MLS Cup Was Won: The respiratory effects of COVID-19 have a blessed impact on the Rapids, yielding symptoms of increased oxygen to the muscles and the Clarence Seedorf version of Kellyn Acosta that I’ve long promised you.  

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: The Rapids get snowed in.  

(3) Portland Timbers vs. (6) FC Dallas

Sunday, Nov. 22 | 10 p.m. ET | ESPN 

Portland

How MLS Cup Was Won: They won the MLS Is Back Tournament so you could argue that they are already the true champions. 

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: “Man is certain of nothing but his ability to fail.” — Timber Joey

Dallas

How MLS Cup Was Won: Am I the only one that still calls the stadium Pizza Hut Park? The road to MLS Cup goes through the Hut.

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: I asked this guy from Dallas on Xbox Live the other day if he’d ever been to the National Soccer Hall of Fame and he said he didn’t know that existed and that doesn’t sit well with me.

(2) Toronto FC vs. TBD

Tuesday, Nov. 24 | 6 p.m. ET | FS1 

Toronto 

How MLS Cup Was Won: There is an energy to every Ayo Akinola goal that I cannot deny.

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: Snitches.   

(1) Philadelphia Union vs. TBD

Tuesday, Nov. 24 | 8 p.m. ET | ESPN 

Philadelphia 

How MLS Cup Was Won: By trading away every SuperDraft pick and developing the greatest collection of homegrown talent the world has ever seen.  

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: 

Mr. President  

(2) Seattle Sounders vs. (7) Los Angeles FC

Tuesday, Nov. 24 | 10:30 p.m. ET | ESPN 

Seattle

How MLS Cup Was Won: Stefan Frei saves that one and that one and tips that one over the bar. 

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: No one decides that but Brian Schmetzer. 

Los Angeles 

How MLS Cup Was Won: If Carlos Vela is healthy again that’ll about do it. 

How 2020 Was Mercifully Brought To An End: It’s tempting to put all your eggs in the “embarrass Cruz Azul” basket.

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