Why do you like Twitter? Because it’s an easy and convenient way to get highlights? Me too. If you gave any other answer you’re part of the world’s problems, and I truly hope you realize that.
I haven’t drank enough today to tell you about how it turns its ball and chain users into snidey, single-minded devilkin that prefer one marshmallow now as opposed to two later, but no social apparatus has ever been as unabashedly forward about how shallow and stupid it is while its users argue that it’s a wonderful tool for confirmation bias.
Anyway, it’s awful, but thanks for the highlights. Unless these Twitter accounts aren’t actually providing me with highlights but something infinitely worse — the inkling of a highlight. What I mean by this is when something great happens and an official Twitter account confirms this by posting not the event itself but a prerecorded simulacrum of the thing. It’s a staged GIF without substance or any discernible worth or quality. Essentially, it’s Twitter in a nutshell.
Three's a charm!@alexmorgan13 bags her first goal of 2017 to hand the #USWNT a commanding 3-0 lead in the 80th minute. pic.twitter.com/U7fcYczAUz— U.S. Soccer WNT (@ussoccer_wnt) August 4, 2017
Show me the goal, the save or the red card or just don’t say anything at all. What genuinely disturbs me is that these tweets can then have hundreds of retweets. This tells you there are hundreds of people genuinely invested in the match — this is obviously their favorite club playing — but like an animal in an operant conditioning chamber, they cannot tear themselves away from Twitter because they believe themselves to be some kind of warped Bob Woodward + Carl Bernstein mega journalist.
GOAL! GOAL! GOAL! @ScottHogan_9! 1-0!#PartOfThePride #AVFC pic.twitter.com/SvxY4AYy16— Aston Villa FC (@AVFCOfficial) August 9, 2017
They truly think they're communicating with someone rather than just a rapidly scrolling void.
51’ — ENERGY FC #GOOOAL! Jose Angulo finds Miguel Gonzalez and Gonzo blasts another one in; his second!3-1, OKC! pic.twitter.com/GsyxjmOrB9
— Energy FC (@EnergyFC) July 23, 2017
I am constantly tricked into watching these goddamn things because, by nature, I’m a very trusting person. Hell, I could go back to Reddit for my highlight fix, but that's a whole 'nother world of vile and nefarious karma whoring.
BATMAN DON'T HEAR NO BELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#MINvDC | 4-0 | @Migue10Ibarra pic.twitter.com/xhvGUKFh4H— Minnesota United FC (@MNUFC) July 30, 2017
Hey, some of these aren't so bad.
GOAL: #BristolCity 1-0 Plymouth Argyle, Hegeler 2. #BRCvPLY pic.twitter.com/BssW7aRp7T— Bristol City FC (@bcfctweets) August 8, 2017
Okay, wow do I like that.
GOAL: #BristolCity 5-0 Plymouth Argyle, Paterson 79. #BRCvPLY pic.twitter.com/G9j0v2O9xe— Bristol City FC (@bcfctweets) August 8, 2017
Oh shit yeah.
We can't wait to use @JemKaracan6's 2017/18 goal graphic! Go behind the scenes at #BWFC's recent photoshoot https://t.co/7rLlRfF4Sm pic.twitter.com/37qJ0ZGeUP— Bolton Wanderers FC (@OfficialBWFC) August 7, 2017
I'm having the time of my life — what's this? The NHL? Bring it on :)
Just the way Larry planned it! pic.twitter.com/KGLd1GV9Ql— Buffalo Sabres (@BuffaloSabres) December 2, 2016
LOL, I'm coming around.
10' @jejefanai fires a shot on goal but @tonidoblas1 makes a great save down low! #CHEvDEL #LetsFootball pic.twitter.com/9Elw8HTLzk— Indian Super League (@IndSuperLeague) October 6, 2016
SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.
.@DarrenRaddysh! 4-2! pic.twitter.com/vycmsXYDyi— OHL Champions (@ErieOtters) December 13, 2015
I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL GORDO!!! 1-1 BALL GAME! https://t.co/ALswMaUyJW #LAvSEA pic.twitter.com/oYoVXUV51S— LA Galaxy (@LAGalaxy) July 21, 2016
I think I'm in love, but it makes me kinda nervous to say so.
Go on, @JoaoPlata10, give us the shimmy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pic.twitter.com/qAaIUqhuha— Real Salt Lake (@RealSaltLake) July 20, 2017
Whatever, it's time to stop worrying and embrace the bomb, people. I love me some goal GIFs, and I don't have long to live.