The Obvious Giveaways That You Might Be A Goalkeeper
Everyone knows that goalkeepers are a quirky bunch, heck you have to be a bit nuts to actually enjoy facing flying projectiles hit with excessive force. Being a keeper entails toeing the line between being eccentric and being flat-out crazy. Below are some of the strongest indications that you might be a goalkeeper.
Signs You Might Be A Goalkeeper...
You are very particular about the type of surface you play on
When travelling to an away game, the first thought in every keeper's mind is: "What kind of field is it?" While the rest of the team might not notice the grass unless it has some major deformity, you meticulously study the surface you will be diving and sliding on for 90 minutes (plus warm-ups). You pray for a soft, luscious tract of natural grass that will cushion your falls, even though it usually ends up resembling an arid old riverbed that is beginning to spawn life. It will still be better than artificial turf though.
To you, a competitive 0-0 draw is better than an early birthday present
An exhilarating 90 minutes of end-to-end soccer ends goalless. The fans applaud but deep down they are disappointed. The players slowly walk off the field, heads down, dejected. The keepers though have smiles as wide as the pitch. They both had spectacular performances in goal and were privileged to watch a phenomenal game of football. They know that the beauty in soccer is not measured by the scoreboard.
You frequently catch household objects as they are falling
Reaction time is key when a goalkeeper is between the sticks, and your impeccable hand-eye coordination translates to the real world as well. You may clumsily knock a mug out of the cupboard, but those quick hands of yours snatch it out of the air to narrowly avoid disaster.
You hate all chores, but especially vacuuming
You spend all game cleaning up your team's mess, why would you want to pick up after other people when you come home? People expect you to save shots and your household expects the carpets to be spotless, but no one ever appreciates your efforts.
After a particularly good game, you might go days without showering
It's definitely not strange to savor a shutout by avoiding bathing. That dirt and dried blood on your right knee were from the one-on-one save you made on their star midfielder in the 77th minute — wear it proud.
You consume large amounts of fresh dairy prior to every game
As you look around before warm-ups, your teammates are probably ingesting protein bars or some newfangled energy gels. But you stick to the tried and true beverage of champions: 2% milk. Some say you're crazy, your stomach simply cannot digest that much lactose before a match. But you know that the protein and calcium in milk will provide you with the energy to compete while also strengthening your bones. You simply smile as you down a fresh pint of creamy goodness and stroll out onto the field.
Your warm-up playlist consists solely of Pavement b-sides
Most of your teammates probably get in the zone by listening to Drake or some other top-50 rapper/pop star (or maybe old Kanye if they're actually cool), but nothing gets you going like some good 90s slacker rock. Something about those rugged guitar chords and frontman Stephen Malkmus' sardonic tone remind you that life is just a series of absurdities, so you might as well enjoy it.
Millard Fillmore is your favorite American president
The nation's 13th president may have received a bad rap for the Compromise of 1850, but subsidizing the Illinois Central Railroad was a stroke of genius and funding the construction of a canal at Sault Ste. Marie expedited trade in the Great Lakes. What ever happened to the days when the president had a sturdy, rotund face.
You have a strong affinity for Roman aqueducts
These stately stone structures erected to carry water across miles of difficult terrain prove that the Roman Empire was centuries ahead of its time.