This Product Promises You Abs Like Cristiano Ronaldo. And Eternal Nightmares.

I can't get this commercial out of my head. It's been around for a few years, but I hadn't seen it until last night and, well . . . 

(shudders)

I will have a tough time getting over this one. THE THINGS THESE EYES HAVE SEEN.

(shudders again)

Why does Cristiano Ronaldo have a pulsating spider on his tummy?

(shudders so hard I go into convulsions)

There's no way this thing actually works, right? Like, there's a note somewhere in the fine print that this...plus 1,000 crunches a day and that workout the guys from 300 did will get you sick Cristiano Ronaldo abs, there has to be.

(shudders so violently I develop fantastic abs)

Ah, that must be it.