Newcastle United Are Reportedly Weighing Up A January Transfer Bid For You

Newcastle United are struggling. They’re struggling for goals, they’re struggling to properly defend for 90 minutes and they’re struggling to get their fanbase behind a team that’s owned by a modern day slave driver and managed by the imprudently jubilant patch of hair that is Steve McClaren.

The summer's signings, highlighted by 13 million pound Freaks and Geeks cast member Florian Thauvin, have failed to revive the fortunes of a club whose Premier League status was only confirmed on the final day of the 2014/15 season. 

With Papiss Cisse having been ruled out for up to three months and Aleksandar Mitrovic always more likely of committing violent conduct than of scoring a goal, it’s no surprise to hear that Newcastle are in the market for a center forward.

Step forward one loyal Toon fan, an overly priced authentic jersey and a low-lying garden wall. While the ultimate goal of signing Jamie Vardy was never going to be accomplished by tossing an old Puma kit into his backyard, it could’ve gotten the ball rolling.

Imagine, while sipping his afternoon tea, reading the paper and contemplating the linguistic philosophy of ‘chat shit get banged’, Vardy spots a Newcastle United jersey fluttering down from the heavens. Surely Vardy would give it a moments thought, inheriting the world famous Newcastle number nine shirt?   

To whoever put this over our wall... Absolute #banterpic.twitter.com/7kqTfnfbfJ

— Bex (@Bexxxnic) January 5, 2016

Nope! Vardy’s fiancé was quick to publicly dismiss the ploy, labeling it “absolute banter”. That’s what an approach from the once-mighty Newcastle United has become: top class banter. Telling someone they’re the target of a Newcastle United bid is the footballing equivalent of telling an arachnophobic that you’ve turned their bedroom into a terrarium. 

Beaten but not defeated, Newcastle set their sights on young French striker Alexandre Lacazette. With a largely francophone dressing room and a reported willingness to smash their own record transfer fee (£17.5m to Real Madrid in 2005 for Michael Owen), how could Lacazette and Lyon say no? They could, and they did.

The Daily Mail went with the headline “Newcastle? Non merci!” (No thanks!) which is probably a lot more PG-rated than how Lacazette actually responded to the offer. Another day, another snub for Newcastle.

Not to worry! With this new television deal providing Premier League clubs endless amounts of cash to splash and the chance to play in front of 50,000 passionate supporters at St. James's Park, someone’s got to sign the dotted line, right? 

Breaking: Newcastle’s £4m bid for Bordeaux’s Henri Saivet has collapsed due to reluctance on behalf of the Senegalese to join a team fighting for survival. D’oh!  

Worst of all may be Newcastle’s pursuit of out of favor Swansea squad player Jonjo Shelvey. The 23-year-old English midfielder has long been a target for a Newcastle side that has lacked midfield guile since Yohan Cabaye hightailed it for PSG.

The club favored to beat Newcastle to Shelvey’s signature? Cabaye’s current side Crystal Palace, managed by one Alan Pardew. Just whisper it, but the former muppet of Mike Ashley looks set to lead Crystal Palace to another top ten finish while Newcastle look set for another heart wrenching “Decision Day”. 

So, what do you say? Can you do a goal? Deliver a set piece into the box? Will you join us in the fight for survival?!

Mike Ashely will handsomely reward you with a zero hour contract at an effective rate below the minimum wage. Come on, join us!