The day has finally come. After a multi-year investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, the special counsel’s report has finally been made public. Our diligent reporters at The18 have combed through the PDF files like Unai Emery looking for a weakness in Chelsea’s defense and have come up with our own Mueller report findings.
The Mueller report clocks in at 448 pages of PDF goodness with no discernable search function, so we had to scroll through the whole damn thing looking for these juicy bits of information. But we persevered, and we’re here to give you our full, unbiased conclusions without the spin of an attorney general/PR man.
The Mueller report findings are conclusive: Lionel Messi is very good at the soccer.
Don’t believe us? Scroll to page 20. Here, we’ll show it to you so you can read for yourself.
This is definitive evidence Robert Mueller is a massive Messi fan, if I’ve ever seen it. If you don’t see it, you’re not looking hard enough. But here’s another example anyway.
¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL DEL BARCELONAAAAAAA!
Tenía que ser Messi, La Pulga dice presente y finalmente marca un GOLAZO en cuartos parar abrir el marcador.@FCBarcelona_es 1-0 @ManUtd pic.twitter.com/64echI9p08— Univision Deportes (@UnivisionSports) April 16, 2019
But we read more than just the first 20 pages. We scrolled all the way through and found this tantalizing bit on Cristiano Ronaldo.
Sure, Ronaldo may have been knocked out of the Champions League by a bunch of kids (beautiful kids though they may be), Mueller still seems to be just as into Ronaldo as he is Messi.
Mueller was conspicuously silent on whether he prefers Kylian Mbappé or Neymar, but he did make one startling decision: Jan Oblak is the best goalkeeper in the world right now. In fact, he listed off 14 full reasons why Oblak is better than David de Gea.
Mueller really is cold and calculated, but it’s hard to argue with his findings, especially after this howler from De Gea on Tuesday.
¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL!
Otra vez la magia de Messi y con un Osote de De Gea, la Pulga marca su doblete.@FCBarcelona_es 2-0 @ManUtd pic.twitter.com/vBd5yb2ABk— Univision Deportes (@UnivisionSports) April 16, 2019
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