Christian Pulisic is the bright shining light of American soccer, but how does he stack up against your mom? Let’s take a closer look.
Intelligence: Who’s more than just a pretty face?
Christian Pulisic is Dortmund’s top provider this season with six assists, clearly demonstrating his high footballing IQ.
Your Mom is so dumb she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.
Edge: Pulisic
Physical Appearance: Who is more aesthetically pleasing?
Christian Pulisic is certainly no Steve Bannon in appearance, but he’s never had a steady girlfriend either.
Your Mom is so ugly she made One Direction go another direction.
Edge: Pulisic
Weight: Who stays fit and who lets him or herself go?
Christian Pulisic loves high-calorie Chipotle burritos for some reason, but he exercises enough to keep his weight in check.
Your Mom is so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.
Edge: Pulisic
Greek Mythology: Who’s the true Olympian here?
Christian Pulisic has a giant eagle tattoo on his left bicep, so he’s definitely aware of the intense suffering that Prometheus endures every day.
Your mom is so ugly she turned Medusa into stone.
Edge: Pulisic
TV Habits: Who’s up to date on Game of Thrones and who is still watching reruns of Friends?
Christian Pulisic has been known to binge watch the Vampire Diaries on Netflix.
Your mom is so dumb she sat on the TV to watch the couch.
Edge: Pulisic
Final edge: Pulisic. There’s only one winner here, and it’s the one who isn’t so fat she sat at the back of the bus and it did a wheelie.
