Mike Ashley Is The Owner You Didn't Know You Wanted In Your LIfe

Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley is your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving, but if your uncle was an extremely wealthy businessman and Thanksgiving was every day.

The Telegraph has reported one of the most amazing stories of the year, detailing Ashley's alleged business practice of getting everybody on his management team trashed and then making decisions.

Shot:

Barrister Jeffrey Chapman QC, who is leading Mr Blue's legal team, told the judge Mr Ashley's business practices flew in the face of "business orthodoxy".

He said Mr Blue referred to Mr Ashley lying underneath tables at "boring" meetings and "playing a game of spoof" to decide who paid an investment bank's fees.

Chaser: this is one of the most incredible anecdotes in the history of anecdotes. Keep in mind this man somehow procured enough money to buy a soccer team:

Mr Blue said: "These meetings were like no other senior management meeting I had ever attended in all my years of investment banking experience.

"It was effectively a 'pub lock-in' with alcohol continuing to be served well beyond closing hours and fish and chips or kebabs being provided throughout the evening.

"On one such evening, in front of his senior management team, Mr Ashley challenged a young Polish analyst in my team, Pawel Pawlowski, to a drinking competition.

"Mr Ashley and Pawel would drink pints of lager, with vodka 'chasers' between each pint, and the first to leave the bar area for whatever reason was declared the loser.

"After approximately 12 pints and chasers Pawel apologised profusely and had to excuse himself.

"Mr Ashley then vomited into the fireplace located in the centre of the bar, to huge applause from his senior management team."

To recap: Mike Ashley, owner of Newcastle United, challenged one of his business associates to a drinking contest during a meeting then vomited into a fireplace after said contest, still during said meeting. It's like seeing an episode of Trailer Park Boys in the wild. Is Mike Ashley really Jim Lahey? Jury's still out.