Marko Arnautović Wins Red Card Award For Outstanding Sportsmanship

In a brilliant ploy to steal the “Biggest Wanker In The Prem” award from Jonjo Shelvey, Marko Arnautović earned a pointless red card for West Ham and undying adoration from fans. Southampton fans, that is.

Last week, Jonjo Shelvey revealed himself to be the thinking man of the Premier League when he stomped on Dele Alli's ankle in plain sight of the referee, presumably after running the idea by his good friend Potato Brain. It was a true display of intellect, the likes of which we thought we would never see again.

Oh happy day, we were wrong.

Apparently West Ham's 32-million-dollar man, Marko Arnautović, spent the last week stewing over Jonjo's newly-found fame. He must've considered countless ways to earn the highly-sought-after red card award before settling on the brilliant idea to ask Southampton's Jack Stephens to kiss the ouchie on his elbow.

Let's review the play by play:

1. Must find someone to take a look at this elbow. It stings like a mutha.

Marko Arnautovic Red Card - He chases down Jack Stephens

Marko Arnautović chases down Jack Stephens like a lion hunting a gazelle.

2. Jack! Jack Stephens! Is that you? Can you take a look at my elbow? I think it's bleeding.

Marko Arnautovic Red Card - He offers Jack Stephens his elbow

Marko Arnautović has an elbow. And he's very proud of it.


3. Seriously, Jack! Wait up. It hurts. Maybe you can blow on it or something.

Marko Arnautovic Red Card - He catches Jack Stephens

Marko Arnautović really wants Jack Stephens to look at his elbow.

4. Goddamnit Jack! Wait up...oh great. I didn't mean stop completely.

Marko Arnautovic Red Card - Jack Stephens eats an elbow

Marko Arnautović finally makes Jack Stephens look at his elbow.

5. Man, Jack, that was crazy, huh? Seriously, though, can you blow on my elbow?

Marko Arnautovic Red Card - Arnautovic offers Jack Stephens a hand

Marko Arnautović is sorry.


6. Where are you going Jack? Come back!

Marko Arnautovic Red Card - Arnautovic looks baffled at ref's decision

Marko Arnautović can't believe what's happening to him. Curse the heavens!

7. Can you believe that guy? Oh, hey Maya Yoshida. Do you have any bandaids?

Marko Arnautovic Red Card - Arnautovic seeks sympathy from Southampton player

So unfair.

Just in case that doesn't clear it up for you, here's the full replay:

West Ham went on to win the least points in the match against Southampton, due in large part to the positive example Marko Arnautović set for the rest of the team.

In a detailed post-mortem of the day's incidents, Twitter user @J(ones) offered a compelling and nuanced analysis of the incident, stating, "Marko Arnautović is a moron."

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