Jozy Altidore Scores With A Bicycle Kick, So Suck On That One
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Twitter, like Reddit before it, was once a largely satirical, clandestine take on whataboutery — a safe place against the echo chambers of fallacy that invaded popular media sources with the power to turn Mahatma Gandhi into a cynic. In their absurdism, Twitter and Reddit remained far from the trappings of modern media. That’s no longer the case.
Our takes are now dictated by the reactionary, reward-seeking behavior that's seeped into all social platforms, contributing directly to the cacophony of noise that leads to the short-sighted negligence we all, supposedly, abhor.
We want a complete rebuild of U.S. Soccer. We want people to answer for that night in Couva. We want the embodiment of our FIFA 19 career modes, and so we can hopefully change it from the comfort of our couches with 80 characters and the press of a button.
The men’s team, on VAR, is the fifth-best team in CONCACAF, nothing more. But we lose our collective shit while rocking ourselves to sleep with the cynicism that’s so quickly supported by those who find solace in negating everything.
Gregg Berhalter? LOL. Gyasi Zardes? Nooope. Wil Trapp? Who?!
We substantiate this sort of feeling with groupthink, an implausible circle with no discernible road forward other than the flavor of the week. We've been doing this for the last five years.
It’s all retching and no vomit — nothing gets better.
And yes, it's crazy to think that it’s been 10 years since the U.S. shocked Spain at the 2009 Confederations Cup because Jozy Altidore worked over Gerard Pique, Carles Puyol and Iker Casillas. But here we are, 10 years later, watching Altidore — the bane of that incredibly esoteric Twitter user — thumping a bicycle kick that, more than confirming America’s spot at the top of the group, says shut up, sit down and watch the soccer: Once again — finally — the manager knows more than you, the players know more than you, and let’s return to actually providing some god damn insight rather than these bullshit hot takes.
The USMNT is getting better, let's all get better.
¡¡GOOOOOOOOOOLLLL DEL TEAMMM USAAAA!! ALTIDORE DE CHILENA, DE ESPALDA AL ARCO, ABRE EL MARCADOR CON UN GOLAZO
— Univision Deportes (@UnivisionSports) June 27, 2019