As the England vs Belgium third-place match approaches on Saturday, the age-old question presents itself once more: Who the hell cares about third place? Especially in a competition like this where only the first matters.
England lost 2-1 to Croatia as Belgium lost 1-0 to France during the semifinals, but the world knew it wouldn’t be the last they hear from those two during the World Cup. The world also didn’t care and still doesn’t, but if you do though then you’re an absolute anomaly. Anomaly is a polite synonym for tool here.
Belgium defeated England 1-0 during the group stages so what competition is left now that it’s not coming home? A quick reminder to Adnan Januzaj’s second-half goal on England earlier this World Cup:
#MundialTelemundo De zurda y al ángulo ¡Así fue el hermoso gol de @adnanjanuzaj para adelantar a su #BEL en el marcador sobre #ENG! Síguelo EN VIVO por @telemundo pic.twitter.com/DeP1vBIEks
— Telemundo Deportes (@TelemundoSports) June 28, 2018
But before we begin dumping on the entire concept of third-place World Cup matches like glorious seagulls on pesky tourists, a rundown of the last five third-place games in World Cup history.
The 2014 Brazil World Cup third-place match was between the Netherlands and Brazil. The Netherlands won 3-0.
The 2010 South Africa World Cup third-place match was between Germany and Uruguay. Germany won 3-2.
The 2006 Germany World Cup third-place match was between Germany and Portugal. Germany won 3-1.
The 2002 South Korea and Japan World Cup third-place match was between Turkey and South Korea. Turkey won 3-2.
The 1998 France World Cup third-place match was between Croatia and the Netherlands. Croatia won 2-1 and yes, that was the last time Croatia was ever that close to the No. 1 spot.
Are we getting the message here boys and girls? Did you start to get drowsy reading the names of the third-place victors? If so, it’s because third place is simply boring, irrelevant and rarely ever benefits the competition.
However, Croatia’s 1998 World Cup was also the first time the nation entered after splitting from Yugoslavia in 1991. It took them 20 years to where they stand this year. What did they get for third place? A crappy ribbon and a round metal piece around their necks.
20 years ago, Croatia played its first ever World Cup since splitting from Yugoslavia. They shocked the world by finishing in third place. Two decades later and they did it again by making it to the 2018 #WorldCup final. Dope and well deserved. #CRO pic.twitter.com/PMfK3wRJyJ
— Antonio Tinajero (@antonio1998__) July 11, 2018
There is one fair point that must be made though. The nation winning third place does get a cash prize, but it goes to that nation’s football association. Third place will receive $24 million; fourth place gets $22 million. Remember, it goes to the nation’s FA not the players and that’s disregarding any possible corruption that may lead to that money being somehow "lost," if you catch my drift.
Think of it this way: Assume Belgium wins third place and goes home, are the Belgian people supposed to celebrate that? Inversely, England is already secretly drowning in self-loathing and disappointment, the way the French normally live, so fourth place would just devastate them some more. In both cases, things are just sad and we don’t want those who live for this game to ever be sad. Sometimes injured or red-carded, but you get the point.
Fun facts: The first World Cup in 1930 didn’t have a third-place match along with 1950, meaning all but two World Cups have had third placements. Also, Germany, or previously West Germany thanks to the Berlin Wall and the complications of the 20th century, has won it the most with four times. France, Brazil and Poland have won third place twice.
See, more useless information because the third place is by far the stupidest placement in football history. And don’t get me started on second place.
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