So, You Guys Wanna Wear These U.S. Soccer Masks?

Everyone needs to wear a mask, and these are masks you can wear.

By now, everyone in America should have a mask or face covering of some sort. Whether it’s a bandana pulled over nose, a homemade cloth mask or a something you bought for 10 times a reasonable price off the internet, you need to be covering your face when you go out in public to prevent the spread of COVID-19.

The sad reality of the pandemic world in which we live is that masks need to become ubiquitous to ensure public health and safety. In Alabama, American football coach Nick Saban scolded an elephant for not wearing a mask.

This still being a capitalist society, everyone wants to get into the mask game. Everything from corporations to Etsy shops have jumped on the bandwagon. You can even get trikinis, bikinis with matching masks. 

Sports teams around the globe have offered their own branded face masks, because if you’re not supporting your team while supporting community health, what the hell are you even doing with your life?

But finally, as of this week, there’s a face mask we can all get behind, with the introduction of U.S. Soccer masks.

Now whenever you go out, you can show the world that you think it’s OK to say women are inferior to men. As you’re shopping for groceries and staying six feet away from fellow shoppers, you can let them know that you, too, enjoy the bitter taste of defeat in Couva. And as you go for an evening stroll, passersby will appreciate your refined tolerance of mediocrity

U.S. Soccer, a non-profit, wants you to know the sales of these U.S. Soccer masks will provide 100 percent of the net proceeds to charities like the CDC Foundation and First Responders Children’s Foundation, as if they’d actually put money this back into the sport. And there will be plenty of money, as a three-pack of these bad boys will set you back $19.99. And U.S. Soccer is careful to point out these are only for fashion’s sake, describing the masks thusly: “The Fashion Face Covering is not intended to prevent or protect from any form of illness or disease, including Covid-19 (or otherwise).”

Sadly, these masks won’t even ship until July 6 and it’ll take four-to-six weeks for your mask to arrive, by which point you’ll either be dead from coronavirus or from the boredom having no U.S. soccer to watch. On the bright side, they’ll ship just in time for the one-year anniversary of the USWNT lifting the Women’s World Cup while simultaneously suing the USSF for equal pay. 

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