Sometimes The18 editorial meetings are productive and sometimes they degenerate into discussions about which football club is the most like Olive Garden. This week, we somehow managed to do both. Football clubs are a lot like restaurant chains: shiny, consumer-pandering and people often have bad opinions about them. But which football clubs correspond to which restaurant chains, specifically?
Liverpool - Chipotle
It’s great up front but there are serious problems on the back end.
Arsenal - Red Lobster
You’re either having a great time or getting food poisoning and there is no in-between.
Chelsea - Macaroni Grill
Expectations are high going in but somehow you manage to leave disappointed.
Manchester City - Cheesecake Factory
There is almost too much choice, but at least the choices are pretty good.
Napoli - In ’n Out Burger
If you’ve never had it, the people who have are going to tell you about it and they WILL NOT SHUT UP.
Tottenham Hotspur - Lyfe Kitchen
Hip and fresh and pretty good, but you just feel like it’s not going to last.
Borussia Dortmund - Jimmy John’s
Extremely fast all the time, and sometimes that is not an advantage.
Bayern Munich - Chili’s
Reliable and steady, to the point where it’s kind of boring.
Barcelona - Dave & Buster’s
More than a club = more than a restaurant.
Real Madrid - Tokyo Joe’s
A bunch of pretty good ingredients mashed together with no seeming purpose.
Juventus - Wendy’s
Went through a pretty rough scandal in the mid-aughts but has bounced back with aplomb.
Manchester United - Subway
An old mainstay that has seemingly fallen by the wayside (for its standards) lately.
Atletico Madrid - Olive Garden
When you’re here, you’re family. Just ask Diego Costa.
RB Leipzig - Panera Bread
Just popped up out of nowhere suddenly and without warning and is now everywhere.
PSG - Hooters
Flashy and attractive but it’s hard to admit you’re a fan and be taken seriously.
Monaco - McDonald’s
Where youths spend a lot of time before they’re old enough to go to other, better places.
AC Milan - Arby's
They've made a lot of decisions recently and none of them make sense, just like the folks who make Arby's commercials. "We have the meats" is one of the worst slogans I have ever heard.
Newcastle - Outback Steakhouse
The first restaurant chain that comes to mind when we think of Mike Ashley vomiting into a fireplace during a business meeting. Home of the Bloomin' Onion!