This weekend, you probably noticed that Lionel Messi completed the 23rd hat-trick of his La Liga career, bringing his league goal scoring tally to 269 in 300 games for Barcelona. Predictably, his feat caused an outbreak of hyperbole across social media, with many a Tweet proclaiming him the greatest of all time: even greater, whisper it, than Diego Armando Maradona.
It's only natural that Messi be compared to Maradona: both are diminutive, ball-dribbling Argentine number 10s who bamboozle(d) defenders, score(d) fabulous goals and are considered the finest players of their respective generations. And it's that latter qualification which will always spark a near-impossible-to-resolve debate over who is the greatest.
But The18 is nothing if not up for a challenge, so in the interests of informed public debate we – against our better judgement – have decided to join in. Except, we’re not interested in mere scoring records or silverware (well, not volume of trophies, at least), but the qualities and achievements that represent the truly rounded modern-day professional footballer: tax bills, media relations, commercial endorsements and the like.
Usual rules apply: six rounds, a point to the winner of each. The player with the most points at the end is declared the greatest of all time. Simple.
Round One: Reckless Spending and Unpaid Taxes
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Professional footballers are fabulously wealthy individuals, so naturally the greatest footballer of all time should be so rich they owe more in unpaid taxes than the average pleb (that’s you and us, dear reader) would earn in four concurrent lifetimes. Presently embroiled in a tax evasion court case with the Spanish government, Leo Messi is said to owe a total of $5m in unpaid taxes to The Man. Ouch.
Except, Diego Maradona’s monetary malaise puts Messi’s financial (alleged) foul-play in the shade: the 1986 World Cup winner owes the Italian government over $42m. To date, he’s paid back roughly $50,000. Ouchier.
Result: Big win for Diego. Huge tax bill, and no intention of paying it back. 1-0.
Round Two: Golden Balls
While the odd fool here or there may tell you football is a team game, everyone knows it’s really all about individual awards and personal glory: Golden Boots, Puskas Awards, Ballon d'Ors, Fallon d'Floors…
To the general bemusement of everyone, including himself, last year Messi won the Golden Ball for being the best player at the 2014 World Cup. When even Sepp Blatter – a man who does his level best to know which way a vote will fall – says he’s “surprised” by a result, you know it’s questionable.
At the 1986 Mexico World Cup, Diego Maradona won the very same award, in somewhat less equivocal fashion. He captained Argentina to World Cup glory, played every single minute and was directly responsible for 10 of Argentina’s 12 goals, including the Goal Of The Century:
Result: Another big win for Diego. 2-0
Round Three: Commercial Endorsements
The modern-day footballer is nothing unless he’s a walking, talking, ball-juggling billboard for the world’s biggest corporations. Leo Messi has a multi-million dollar commercial agreement with Pepsi; Diego Maradona had a coke habit.
Result: In the interests of clean living, we’ll give the points to Messi. 2-1.
Round Four: Body Art
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Like Hell's Angels bottling each other in a seedy LA strip joint, footballers far and wide have – for reasons unclear to The18 – decided that they absolutely must be covered head-to-toe in tramp stamps. It stands, therefore, that the world’s greatest player should be similarly decorated in ink. Leo has a slightly creepy tattoo of his mother on his left shoulder blade, and another of his son's handprint on his calf. Tame.
While Diego loses points for some pretty clichéd portraits of Che Guevara and Fidel Castro (though gains credit for showing Fidel Castro his tattoo of Fidel Castro), the recent addition of “BITCH” across his chest is a game changer.
Result: Diego wins again. 3-1.
Round Five: Media relations
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The best players of the world’s most popular game require a certain degree of finesse and patience in dealing with the inevitable media onslaught such fame bestows upon them, so it stands to reason that the greatest of all must be the consummate media darling.
While he has the God-given capacity to cause the Earth's entire media corp to collectively and spectacularly lose all sense of perspective with the simplest of non-committal answers or Instagram follows, Messi’s public utterings are invariably dull and identikit.
Maradona, on the other hand, has a habit of shooting at members of the third estate with his air rifle, alongside a penchent for telling the gentlemen of the press to “suck it and keep on sucking it”.
Result: Messi’s global media pulling power is persuasive, but any man who believes media relations should involve firearms is clearly deserving of the points. 4-1.
Round Six: Religion
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It’s oft said that football is a religion, so the beliefs of its High Priests – and their impact on the public conscience – are a key facet in determining the world’s greatest. Messi, widely assumed to be Roman Catholic, caused an uproar of near Biblical proportions a few years back when rumours abounded that he had converted to Islam.
Diego Maradona, however, doesn’t concern himself with God, Budda or Allah. He has is own religion, Iglesia Maradoniana, replete with its own Ten Commandments, including “Let Diego Be Your Second Name, And That Of Your Children.”
Result: While he'll happily allow The Pope to shake his hand, Diego worships to no false idol. The final round goes emphatically to D10S.
After six gruelling rounds, the points have been tallied and the result is a landslide: Diego Maradona, by a margin of five points to one, is the undisputed greatest football player in the world ever ever ever.
Wait, what was that you said? Pele is the greatest? Di Stefano, you say? Best? Zidane? Puskas? Oh come on!
