Jessica Silva Is The Scariest Player In The Dang Universe

If you ever find yourself, as a defender, in a situation in which Jessica Silva has the ball somewhere in the vicinity of the corner flag and you are standing between her and the goal, just give up. Accept that she is going to humiliate you and get on with your life. Move into a cabin in the woods and meditate. Live off the land. Develop a hobby like woodworking. No one can nutmeg you when you're woodworking.

Silva, though, will nutmeg you. She will nutmeg you to death. Here is proof, via Portugal's 2019 World Cup qualifier against Belgium:

A post shared by The18 Soccer (@the18soccer) on Apr 7, 2018 at 7:04pm PDT

(shudders)

That skill was so nasty it would make a monk forget his vow of silence and scream and make the "psh" noise.

The nutmeg against Belgium, as impressive as it is, may not even be the most devastating in the Silva catalogue.

We assume those defenders are no longer allowed near sharp objects and if anyone seasons their food with nutmeg they start screaming.

So, to recap: if you run across Jessica SIlva in the wild, it's already over. Protect yourself from harm. Take a woodworking class.

(H/T Deadspin)