Edinson Cavani’s Dad Vandalizes His Property To Remind Him Of UCL Failure

Imagine you’re in Edinson Cavani’s shoes this morning, strolling around the streets outside the Bernabéu in search of that precious, caffeine-rich mate before tonight’s big Champions League encounter with Real Madrid.

You’re not in the best spirits. You’ve missed a good portion of the season through injury, and in your absence, that goddamn Mauro Icardi has scored 10 goals in 11 games to take your job. Now everyone wants to offer Icardi a permanent contract and is totally fine with yours expiring in the summer!

So you take a seat at this nice café in Madrid and try to enjoy your mate, but then you see the cover of Spanish daily sports newspaper Diario AS — oh christ almighty.  

Good reading material.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, there’s dad taking a big ol’ dump on your biggest dream.

You open to the article and read an anecdote from your father about your home in Uruguay.

“If you go to his house, he’s got a table where he has barbecues and he wrote: ‘Paris-Saint Germain, European champions 2019-20…’ I nearly laughed my head off! I added underneath, ‘Ha ha ha ha…’ I don’t think he even noticed, but one day he’s going to have to rub it off.”

DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!

Despite over six years of consummate service to the PSG cause, including nearly 200 goals, five Ligue 1 titles and four Coupe de France victories, your dad thinks you’re some sort of joke.

“He is always telling me that I am a negative person,” says papa Luis. “I told him that he would win every single trophy in France but he’d never win the Champions League. In football, you don’t win just by spending a lot of money.”

That’s savage.

You put down your mate, give your lion’s mane a brush and wonder if you’re not making the same mistake with Inter Miami. To hell with it, you’re rich.