Mascots — the oversized, creepy creatures controlled by people who can’t possibly have great relationships with their mothers — are widespread in American sports. But a lot of people wonder: do soccer teams have mascots?
For better or worse, they do.
Soccer mascots range from the weird to the cute, but they’re always weird. Did we mention they’re weird?
They’re better than the little kids that walk out with players before matches, which are also called mascots, but don't really serve much purpose. They don’t add anything to the game, but they don’t take anything away either, typically. They’re fun for the kids, maybe, but also creep kids out.
With all that in mind, here is The18’s definitive, unquestionable, absolutely fact-based ranking of the best soccer mascots for those asking do soccer teams have mascots. (Or the first 18 that came to our mind.)
Best Soccer Mascots
18. Fred the Red, Man United
Really we just put him here to appease the Manchester United fans. There’s nothing really special about him though.
17. Kayla, Crystal Palace
While Kayla isn’t a real mascot because she’s a real animal, as a company based in the U.S. we are legally obligated to talk about how amazing and graceful and definitely not ugly and creepy bald eagles are.
16. Hammerhead, West Ham
He looks kind of like that Fox NFL robot, but probably a little more handy when building a house.
15. Bertie Bee, Burnley
For the record, I fucking hate bees. But this one’s kind of cute, even when he’s pollinating a thermos. He barely bzzts out Borussia Dortmund's bee Emma.
14. Rapidman, Colorado Rapids
Any mascot is infinitely better when wearing a Carlos Valderrama mask. But check out that kid's sweet puka shell necklace in the background.
13. Quakesaurus, San Jose Earthquakes
You’re not a good mascot if you’re not giving children nightmares.
12. H’Angus the Monkey, Hartlepool
Fun fact: No one has actually gone to a Hartlepool match to watch the soccer; it’s all about the monkey.
11. Gunnersaurus, Arsenal
What’s not to like about an adorable version of a vicious carnivore?
10. Drago, Porto
Drago isn’t as fierce as his name might suggest, but it’s hard not to love a dragon who wears soccer cleats.
9. Monty the Magpie, Newcastle United
Please, don’t get Monty mixed up with those racist crows from Dumbo.
8. Cozmo, LA Galaxy
We all know Zlatan is the real mascot of the LA Galaxy, but we don’t want to anger the Zlatan.
7. Hoffi, Hoffenheim
Hoffi is an elk, obviously. He lets tired players ride on his back.
6. Kingsley, Partick Thistle
Here’s Kingsley getting arrested for indecent exposure.
5. Fritzle, Stuttgart
Fritzle is a moody alligator who could probably stand to lose a few pounds. Fritzle is all of us.
4. Timber Joey, Portland
The mascot aspect isn’t great (he’s just a lumberjack destroying the environment), but the fact he actually has a working chainsaw that can cut through giant trees is pretty sweet.
3. Erwin, Schalke
Erwin checks all the boxes: kind of human, definitely scary.
2. Boiler Man, West Brom
We’re not even really sure what a boiler is, but we love this mascot.
1. Groguet, Villarreal
It’s supposed to be an anthropomorphized submarine, but we know he’s just the product of a really great acid trip.