Zlatan Wins LA Derby, Declared Mayor Of Los Angeles

We apologize Zlatan. For several moments there – specifically, the first 26 moments of Saturday's LA derby – we doubted you. It really wasn't fair, as you were sitting on the bench, patiently waiting and watching as Carlos Vela netted two amazing goals to put LAFC up and seemingly out of reach.

How foolish we all must have seemed to you, cheering on your opponents as if they had a hope to win. You told us, you are a lion and the lion is hungry.

Still, we have to admit it came as a surprise when you sent home this equalizer from outside the box only seven minutes into your debut. We were not surprised by your yellow card for excessive celebration. That we expected.

We'll admit, we still did not expect what came next. And again, our bad. You pretty much told us exactly what to expect at your press conference when you said, "I know what I can bring and I will bring it. I am not arrogant, I am confident."

It turns out what you intended to bring was pretty much the most Zlatanesque game-winning performance of all time.

We have called the Los Angeles authorities and instructed them to hand over the keys to the city, to elect you as honorary mayor and to hide the women and children. It appears you mean business here in the USA.

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