Police Called After Moscow Man Accuses Ghost Of Andrey Arshavin Of Stealing Money

For a couple years, Andrey Arshavin was one of the most exciting footballers in the world. Today, people are asking: Is Arshavin dead?

It’s true Arshavin dropped off the face of the British-centric soccer world when he left Arsenal to return to his native Russia in 2013. He only just retired in December 2018, after a few years with Zenit Saint Petersburg, Kuban Krasnodar and Kairat. That last club plays in the Kazakhstan Premier League, so you’d be excused for not knowing about it, but the Russian winger did score nine goals in 31 league appearances in 2018. 

But Arshavin is not dead, despite some odd reports coming from Moscow recently.

According to REN TV and repeated by the Moscow Times, police were called to a residence in the Moscow suburb of Lobnya over complains about the ghost of Andrey Arshavin stealing a man’s money and just generally haunting him. 

Now usually ghosts are only appear after a being has died. So it makes sense when people saw this headline they immediately wondered: Is Arshavin dead?

The unnamed victim said this ghost who looks like Arshavin passes into his apartment through the walls, which apparently coincides with him losing money. The victim also said he hears girls shouting about rape. 

Personally, I think this fellow might have had too much vodka. Or not enough. I’m not exactly sure how it works with Russians. Either way, he hasn’t had just the right amount of vodka.

Fortunately, Arshavin is alive and well, enjoying retirement on the 10-year anniversary of his January move to Arsenal. He was recently seen riding a horse after getting out of a strip club, this despite once saying he would never ride a horse again.

“I once rode a horse bareback in the village,” Arshavin once said. “It was very slippery. I was a small boy then. I was barely holding its mane when suddenly it bolted and I almost fell into a pile of manure. After that, I never sat on a horse again.”

Alas, Arshavin is not dead and thus incapable of haunting anyone as a ghost. But if he were, here are some people he might haunt.

Dutch National Team

In 2008, the Netherlands was loaded: Edwin van der Sar, Giovanni van Bronckhorst, Robin van Persie, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Wesley Sneijder, Arjen Robben, Nigel de Jong, Dirk Kuyt, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar and Rafael van der Vaart, to name a few. The Dutch ripped through Group C with three wins, including 3-0 over defending World Cup champion Italy and 4-1 over France. 

But in the first knockout round, Russia, thanks to Arshavin and Roman Pavlyuchenko, stunned the Netherlands 3-1 in extra time. Thus began Arshavin’s relevance outside of Russia. 

Danny Simpson, Blackburn

After becoming Arsenal’s most expensive transfer of all time ($21.4 million at the time) in January of 2009, Arshavin scored his first Arsenal goal in some style, burning a young Danny Simpson and ripping a shot from a tight angle. Somehow though, Simpson won more Premier League titles than Arshavin.

Liverpool Fans

Probably his most memorable performance in an Arsenal shirt, Arshavin scored four goals against Liverpool in an unforgettable 4-4 draw at Anfield. 

Side note: We felt it worth mentioning that Arshavin’s ex-wife accused him of beating and raping her in a recent autobiography, adding that he was often drunk and regularly cheated on her. If true, this is just terrible and kind of makes us wish Arshavin was dead.