I AM THE LIVERPOOL MYSTERY MAN

Who will replace Philippe Coutinho for Liverpool? Naby Keita? Thomas Lemar? Riyad Mahrez? Someone internal?

If the Anfield Index podcast, and the Telegraph's Jason Burt are to be believed Liverpool's replacement for the dynamic Brazilian is . . . a secret!

Well, secrets don't make friends, so I, The18 staff writer and occasional video personality Sam Klomhaus, am here to BLOW THE DOORS OFF THE WHOLE THING. It isn't who you think. It's not Christian Pulisic, or Julian Brandt, or Julian Draxler, or Leon Goretzka, or Alex Teixeira, or Quincy Promes, or Mario Gotze. Liverpool's secret playmaking target is . . . 

Me.

Seriously, you should see me in my Thursday night indoor league. Like Bobby Firmino reincarnated. I am also extremely cheap compared to, say, any professional footballer. I expect to be unveiled at Anfield any day now. I am practicing the Melwood Lean already. John Henry, have your people call my people.

(Liverpool Mystery Man Sam Klomhaus Welcome To Liverpool Goals And Skills 2017-2018)

I will make everyone forget Philippe Coutinho even played for Liverpool. See you in the Champions League, suckers. I look forward to my first Klopp Hug.