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Oh christ, Valentine’s Day was weeks ago . . . did you completely forget about it up until this very moment? Is that the reason your significant other has been tirelessly working on a doll in your image, driving needles into it and reciting Necronomicon incantations under their breath? That could explain it.
Don’t worry, I’ve got just the thing to rekindle the old flame: FIFA Ultimate Team cards but in real life from CardsPlug (but obviously not marketed as FUT cards for legal reasons, I’d assume).
With this card, you can tell your loved one precisely how you feel about them within the key metrics of pace, shooting, passing, dribbling, defending and physicality — or, as they’re referred to in the Kama Sutra, the 6 Languages of Love.
Worm-eating: 99 Photo: @OfficialVizeh | Twitter
You could also purchase a personalized football card for your offspring, roommate, teammate, classmate, bunkmate or pseudocoelomate. And if you do ultimately choose to create a card for a nematode, rest easy knowing you can upload any picture, customize the design and hang it on the wall with a magnetized mounting kit.
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