"Despacito," by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee, was objectively the only good thing to happen to anyone in 2017. Have a watch and meet me on the other side so we can talk about soccer.
Apparently that's what Tottenham Hotspur play in the locker room. We must say, they have good taste.
Adama Traore is soccer’s Usain Bolt. He’s a Bugatti. He’s Sonic the Hedgehog. He’s Jimmy John’s. He’s stupid fast and you won’t even see it coming.
In a match against Aston Villa recently, Middlesbrough’s Adama Traore won a foot race that he wasn’t even involved in. While two players chased after the ball like two pups playing with a chew toy, Adama blew both of them away — and it wasn’t even close.
Will Philippe Coutinho transfer to FC Barcelona? According to Google, that’s all anyone wants to know in 2018. We’re not here to give you a definitive answer, but to break it on down like the 2 Live Crew utilizing a system developed by The Walking Dead’s Eugene Porter. Here’s Philippe Coutinho’s rumored transfer from Liverpool to Barcelona broken into the categories of “What We Know,” “What We Know We Don’t Know” and “Things We Are Unaware Of. Wholly.”
If you’re like most of the (of age) world, you went out and had a few too many drinks on New Year’s Eve. Maybe you’re not feeling too bubbly this morning after all the bubbly at midnight. Fortunately, we’ve got just the thing for you: magnificent Premier League goals.
Arsenal and West Brom drew 1-1 on Sunday in a match that didn’t really get going until the final 10 minutes. But catching the eye more than the insipid performance from the Gunners was the odd choice of Arsenal kit, which was all red for the first time since 1978. Social media was not exactly impressed.
When a pitcher throws a no-hitter in baseball, there is always at least one play in which the pitcher keeps his perfect game intact not through anything he does but through a brilliant play from his defense. If Manchester City is trying to throw a no-hitter by going unbeaten this season, Sunday’s match was a prime example of succeeding not because of what City did, but because of what Crystal Palace didn’t do.
All is not well with Manchester United. There are injuries afoot, and the injuries are happening to the most fun players.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic was not in the squad against Southampton because his knee, which he injured catastrophically near the end of last season, has an issue. Lions do not heal like humans, it's true, but lions are also killed and eaten by other lions as soon as they become too slow and weak to defend themselves.
Much of the discourse currently surrounding Arsenal revolves around whether superstar Chilean attacker Alexis Sanchez will still be there at the end of January. We can say two things about Sanchez with a reasonable amount of certainty: he is Arsenal's best player by some distance, and he cares deeply about playing for his country.
That is why it's probably a bad idea to send tweets like this:
It wasn’t that long ago (three weeks really) that Jack Wilshere was seen as a Europa League and Carabao Cup specialist winding down the final days of his contract at Arsenal. Once hailed as the future of Arsenal’s English-infused era of dominance and the answer to decades of hurt in the Three Lions’ midfield, Jack the lad became a Mr.
New Year’s Eve is approaching, so it’s time to get all stressed out about having the best time ever while throwing up Smirnoff Ice in the toilet or whatever. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed the holiday season, but it’s also extremely likely that you’ve suffered your share of anxiety due to travel, a damning inability to properly give justice to your own existence and personal beliefs over dinner conversation and the realization that another 365-day period has been spent slaving over inconsequential tedium in the face of death, which you’ll inevitably experience entirely alone.