Footballers aren't like regular humans. They live different lives, and operate in completely different planes of existence. To wit: in my capacity as a professional soccer jokester, I have never had to take to social media to deny wiping a booger on the shirt of a professional colleague. Not even at the company Christmas party.

Dani Alves, however . . .

Paris Saint-Germain was always going to be facing an uphill battle. After allowing three unanswered goals in a 3-1 defeat to Real Madrid at the Bernabeu, a comeback became even more unlikely when Neymar injured himself right before his sister’s birthday. But the Brazilian really missed by PSG vs Real Madrid in the Champions League was not Neymar but experienced defender Dani Alves. 

No player has appeared more in the UEFA Champions League than FC Porto goalkeeper Iker Casillas. Today, the 36-year-old shot-stopper made his 167th appearance in the competition in Porto’s 0-0 draw with Liverpool (ultimately a 5-0 aggregate win for the Reds).  

Casillas also holds the Champions League clean sheet record, a mark he improved to 59 today.

According to the latest rumors from Sky Sports, Real Madrid president Florentino Perez is interested in signing Christian Pulisic from Borussia Dortmund this summer for around $100 million as he “sees the value in having the poster boy for football in America at his disposal.” 

Is the move all that far-fetched? No.

Joan Gaspart, the former FC Barcelona president from July 2000 to Feb. 2003, used some pretty choice words with regards to former players Luis Figo and Neymar when speaking with Radio Marca on Monday. 

Gaspart was a hugely successful vice president when serving under Josep Lluis Nunez at Barca, but his short-lived stint as president was immediately rocked by the departure of club captain Luis Figo to eternal rivals Real Madrid.  

A two-goal performance from Cristiano Ronaldo saw Real Madrid defeat Getafe in La Liga play Saturday, and the Portuguese star recorded another remarkable individual achievement with goals number 300 and 301 in Spanish league play, putting him alongside Barcelona star Lionel Messi as the only members of the milestone club.

Real moved four points above Valencia in third place, and manager Zinedine Zidane will be pleased to have had both Ronaldo and Gareth Bale on the scoresheet before Tuesday’s trip to Paris to play a Neymar-less PSG.