The18’s Super Bowl Preview: Which Kicker Is Going To Disappoint Everyone?
The 2021 Super Bowl kickoff time is set for 6:40 p.m. ET on Sunday, Feb. 7 with NFC representative Tampa Bay hosting defending champion Kansas City at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida. You don’t want to miss it because a little birdie told me that The Weeknd is set to be joined by Daft Punk, Kendrick Lamar and Ariana Grande during his halftime performance, although maybe I’m just telling you what I want to hear.
Anyway, we here at The18 also know that the endless amount of previews you’ve read detailing the quarterback duel between Old Sphincter Chin Tom Brady and State Farm’s Patrick Mahomes have been nothing but a complete waste of time. History shows that the only position that matters in the NFL’s showpiece event is that of the placekicker.
When the bright lights and millions of eyes lock in on these strange carnie folk, they traditionally wilt faster than that little plant your college roommate was growing in his closet.
Field goal attempt percentage from beyond 40 yards dips horrendously compared to the regular season, and no kicker has ever made one from beyond 54 in Super Bowl history. So, who’s gonna be this year's prize asshole?
We’ll use the same metrics as we did for last season’s game, when we accurately predicted that Harrison “Butt Kicker” Butker would lead Kansas City to victory over Robbie Gould’s San Francisco. Butker returns with the Chiefs this year, but his new adversary is Tampa Bay’s Ryan Succop.
Advantage: Butker maintains the same newfangled bonnet that’ll really serve him well when Devin White penetrates his cerebral cortex. Succop has a similar face-mask structure but we appreciate how squished his face looks in the padding. We like our kickers to wear the most ill-fitting gear possible.
Butker: 0 | Succop: 1
(SOCCER) CLEAT CHOICE
Advantage: Butker is rocking a Nike Mercurial Superfly V CR7 boot on his kicking foot, and then what appears to be a customized Nike Phantom on the other. Succop does that strange placekicker thing of going cross-sport (“This leg is for soccer-ing! This one is for football-ing!”) with a Nike Mercurial Victory VI boot for thumping the ol' pigskin and an Under Armour cleat for doing whatever else it is he does.
Butker: 1 | Succop: 1
Harrison Butker: His nickname is “Butt Kicker” and he’s a god-fearing student of the game. That’s it.
Ryan Succop: As the final pick of the 2009 NFL Draft, Succop earned the infamous “Mr. Irrelevant” title. He also once challenged quarterback Marcus Mariota — after he was drafted second overall by the Titans — to an arm wrestling challenge for the No. 8 jersey.
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Advantage: Unfortunately for humanity, the recent trend of kickers morphing from awkward looking horse jockeys that store Snickers bars inside their shoes into elite super athletes that could certainly kick your ass continues. There’s too much money, too much time for lifting weights and too little personality.
Butker: 1 | Succop: 2
HAVE THEY EVER LACED ONE FAR AS HELL?
Harrison Butker: The 25-year-old has one of the strongest golden toes in the NFL, going four-for-four on field goals over 50 yards this season, including a long of 58 that was also a game-winner.
HARRISON BUTKER 58-YARD FIELD GOAL FOR THE WIN
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) September 20, 2020
Ryan Succop: The 34-year-old doesn’t have the power he once possessed, going one-for-two on field goals over 50 yards.
Advantage: While the Buccaneers veteran has been less likely to shit the bed on extra points than his Chiefs counterpart, Butker is still the Lionel Messi of kicking a prolate spheroid made of cowhide leather through heavy gauge steel and aluminum pipes.
Butker: 2 | Succop: 2
WOULD CARLI LLOYD BE BETTER?
55-yard field goal from Carli Lloyd
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) August 20, 2019
Harrison Butker: Butker won three state championships in soccer at The Westminster Schools in Atlanta, Georgia. He made the varsity team as a freshman.
Ryan Succop: Succop made varsity as a freshman, won one state championship and graduated as a three-time all-state player in North Carolina with 104 career goals. He also took a goal kick that traveled “almost 80 yards in the air.”
Carli Lloyd: Lloyd is a two-time World Cup champion, two-time gold medalist and two-time FIFA Women’s World Player of the Year.
Advantage: Carli Lloyd
Final Scorre — Butker: 2 | Succop: 2 | Lloyd: 1
There you have it. It looks like this year’s Super Bowl is going to end in a draw.