Tobin Heath’s Elastico Could Make Ronaldinho Think It’s 2006

A blowout in soccer can go one of two ways: both teams stop playing for all intents and purposes, and the game slows to a glorified possession drill, or they both cease to give any f***s and begin to try the craziest ideas that enter their heads. Luckily for us, the USWNT chose the latter in their 5-1 destruction of Mexico over the weekend. 

After a first half in which Mexico’s keeper did everything in her power to limit the U.S. to a single goal, arguably single handedly preserving a 1-1 tie going into halftime, the USWNT broke the game open in the second half. By the 61st minute, the score was 4-1, and the age old debate of whether or not you should keep watching came into play. We feel sorry for anyone that left the stadium or turned off the TV.   

That was Tobin Heath, and if she doesn’t have a faux Brazilian nickname after pulling off an elastico so elastic it might as well have come with a “boing” sound effect, then we have failed as journalists, as fans, but more importantly as people. “Tobinho,” there. Low hanging fruit? Maybe, but we have done our service to humanity today. 

Let’s just hope that this doesn’t mean that Heath will start partying her ass off, resulting in her career beaching itself far too soon at a small-time Mexican team like another ‘inho that we know

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