2018 World Cup Reportedly Threatened By Plague Of Locusts

We interrupt your regularly-scheduled workday to bring you an alarming development from Russian agriculture ministry crop farming department head Pyotr Chekmarev, who, at an agriculture event in Moscow, said the World Cup could be overrun by locusts this summer.

“One way or another, we have learnt how to deal with locusts, but how do we not fall into a global scandal with locusts this year?”

This is not at all alarming. Nope. Everything is fine. 

“The whole world is coming here. Football fields are green. Locusts love it where there is lots of green. How would they not come to the place where football is being played?“

Locusts, Biblical scholars will recall, are one of the 10 plagues of Egypt in the Book of Exodus. If the World Cup experiences a plague of locusts, there will almost certainly be an exodus.

No word on whether water will be turned into blood, the rivers will become infested with frogs, everyone will get lice, wild animals will destroy livestock, disease will destroy livestock, festering boils will break out, hail will fall from the sky, darkness will envelop the World Cup for three days or firstborns will start dying all over the place (I am a firstborn, I really super do not want that last one to happen).

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