During a recent editorial meeting, we here at The18 came to the distressing conclusion that there is no one stadium that provides the perfect fan experience. Being Americans and therefore experts on amusing the masses to the point of overload, we made up our own stadium that has all the amenities that come together to create the perfect fan experience. Welcome to Stadium X, where fans have a good and cool time thanks to the following things:
A Big Ol' Pool Bar
The first order of business in creating the perfect fan experience is copying the only thing the Jacksonville Jaguars have ever done competently: a stadium pool bar. The larger the better.
A Lazy River
How will people get to the big ol' pool bar? Why, a lazy river of course. Like there's any other option that makes sense.
A Place For The Die-Hards To Hang Out And Display Tifos And Light Flares
Some fans like to get rowdy, and some fans like to watch the other fans get rowdy from a safe and respectable distance. When both those groups exist in harmony, it creates the perfect fan experience.
Extremely Dumb And Unhealthy Food Items
Major League Baseball is the gold standard in this category. Soccer could learn a lot from them.
No Obstructed Seats
The worst fan experience is the one in which you don't get to see the whole game.
Good Tailgating Areas
If you don't have a place convenient to the stadium for grilling and general drunken tomfoolery, do you even have a stadium at all?
Gaudy Sculptures
Something along the lines of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' pirate ship or the Miami Marlins' home run sculpture will do nicely.
A Team That Is Actually Good
No one wants to watch a bad team. Even if the tickets are really cheap and the atmosphere is good.
No One Ever Does "The Wave"
"The wave" is trash.
A Good PA Announcer
A good public address announcer can make a stadium experience marginally better, but a bad one can absolutely ruin it. So a good one is probably better to have.
A Nice View
If you don't want to watch the soccer (you should want to watch the soccer, but just in case), you need something to watch. We prefer mountain sunsets but it's entirely in the eye of the beholder.
And that's what it takes to create the perfect fan experience at a soccer stadium. Hop to it, stadium owners!
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