Fails

Istanbul rivals Fenerbahce and Besiktas met in the Turkish Cup round of 16 on Sunday, and Robin van Persie took center stage to make the match entirely about himself. 

Just before halftime, Van Persie clashed with Besiktas defender Dusko Tosic. The Dutch striker appeared to knee and elbow the Serbian, and the two then squared off face to face. They might’ve brushed noses, but it was Van Persie who had the idea to start screaming and fling himself at the ground. The referee bought what Van Persie was selling and sent Tosic off.

Match fixing has rocked international soccer to a disturbing degree. The 2006 Italian football scandal will forever remain a dark mark on the histories of clubs like Juventus and Fiorentina, among others. Portugal, Germany and Brazil have also had their league's sporting integrity compromised by corrupt referees.

Darren Bent, former England international and Tottenham Hotspur forward, is a proper forward’s forward. The 32-year-old has scored over 200 goals in his career, and he doesn’t faff about around the net. So when the football made its way to him on his own goal line, he did what Tommy Smyth is apparently talking about when he says put a bulge in the old onion bag. 

He bulged that bag with a left-footed slice that had Lionel Messi beaming from ear to ear. That’s how you use your left, son! Get in! 

Among the big-name signings of Frank Lampard, David Villa and Andrea Pirlo, New York City FC owners, the Abu Dhabi United subsidiary City Football Group, were also keen to add one of America’s own. They got that in the form of USMNT midfielder Mix Diskerud, but he didn't come cheaply. 

Last week, British magazine Coach published what they contended was an exclusive interview with Lionel Messi, in which the Barcelona star supposedly said he would like to stay at Barcelona.

It turns out they published nothing of the sort.

The "interview" has been taken down and replaced with this message:

We’ve shown you some of the best and most amusing moments the Copa Sao Paulo has had to offer over the past few weeks. However, the latest news coming from Brazil’s top youth competition is nothing short of disturbing. Age fraud has been present in soccer ever since the conception of youth competitions.

What’s your most embarrassing story? Khadim N’Diaye, goalkeeper for the Senegal national team, has a pretty good one. It involves his right leg, his left leg and a degree of shamelessness that’s enough to make the rest of humanity feel humiliated.

N'Diaye performed an atrocious bit of playacting to shave a few seconds off the clock at the end of Senegal’s match versus Algeria at the 2017 Africa Cup of Nations.

Everyone, in lazy idleness, allows their mind to drift. You might start thinking about what a cat’s face might look like on the body of an elephant or if we had arms where our legs should be and legs for arms. The mind just wanders into strange territory.