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In celebration of the new year, we thought it would be fun to go around to the biggest names in soccer and ask them what their New Year's resolutions were. Unfortunately, none of the biggest names in soccer were available. So we made their resolutions up.
Sepp Blatter
"I don't have a New Year's resolution. My life is perfect and I am still the president of everybody—HEY! What are you doing with those handcuffs? Get away from me!"
Daniel Sturridge
"My New Year's resolution is to stay healthy for the entirety of 2016—AAAGH! My Knee! AAAGH!"
Luis Suarez
"My New Year's resolution is to not bite anyone anymore."
Interviewer: "OUCH, Jesus did you just bite me?"
Suarez: "Hee hee it isn't 2016 yet."
Louis van Gaal
"My New Year's resolution is for my team to score lots of goals and play beautiful attacking football."
Interviewer: "Really?"
LVG: "No."
Wayne Rooney
"Eum, my New Year's resolution is to"—(falls asleep)
Steven Gerrard
"Yeah, 'course, my New Year's resolution is to return to Liverpool Football Club, where I belong."
Jurgen Klopp
"My New Year's resolution is to make sure Steven Gerrard stays the hell away from taking the field for Liverpool."
Cristiano Ronaldo
"My New Year's resolution is to star in a movie about myself."
Interviewer: "You already did that this year."
CR7: "There cannot be too many Cristiano Ronaldo movies."
Lionel Messi
"My New Year's resolution is to win lots of trophies for Barcelona and Argentina."
*Spanish tax officer pokes Messi in the side*
Messi: "And to pay my taxes."
Mathieu Valbuena
(reading from script made of letters cut out from newspapers) "My New Year's resolution is to pay the money I owe in exchange for my sex tape not being leaked to the internet or else my good friend Karim Benzema will beat me with a baseball bat."
Abby Wambach
"My New Year's resolution is to continue to fight against the sexism that pervades the U.S. Soccer establishment, and indeed soccer world-wide, and society in general."
*A Gatorade representative glares at her menacingly*
Wambach: "Actually my New Year's resolution is for you all to forget me."
Jose Mourinho
"My New Year's resolution is to prove to the people that this season was a fluke and I am indeed the "Special One,' the best manager in the world."
Roman Abramovich: "I already told you you were fired you little sh*t, now get out of my office."
Jack Warner
"This 'New Year's resolution' is a conspiracy against me, and I must destroy it. The whole world will soon see how 'New Year's resolution' has wronged me and I am innocent."
Zlatan Ibrahimovic
"I am my own New Year's resolution. I am Zlatan."
Pep Guardiola
"My New Year's resolution is to field a lineup of 10 midfielders plus a goalie who is actually a midfielder."
Jurgen Klinsmann
"My New Year's resolution is to collect my massive paycheck while kicking back, enjoying the California lifestyle and not giving a crap about my job."
Interviewer: "Uh, Jurgen, you know that was live, right?"
Klinsmann: "Oops."
Miguel Herrera
(Herrera's New Year's resolution is inaudible gibberish because he is trying to talk with his mouth full of Chile Relleno)
Michel Platini
"My New Year's resolution is to make sure nobody finds out about any of those other illicit payments Blatter gave me."
Happy New Year, everyone.
Contact The18 Staff Writer Sam Klomhaus at Klomhaus@The18.com or follow him on Twitter @SamKlomhaus
