Hat Trick

D.C. United dropped five goals on Real Salt Lake to continue its undefeated start to the 2019 season, and the match was highlighted by Wayne Rooney’s first-ever hat-trick in MLS play. 

The 33-year-old Englishman opened the scoring from the spot in the 34th minute, applied a delicate chip in the 41st for the second and then guaranteed D.C. all three points in the 65th when sliding in to provide a close-range finish. 

Lionel Messi has now scored 650 goals in his legendary career. 

By now, you know the prototypical Messi goal. Cutting in from the right side, the Argentine curls a perfectly placed shot with his left foot into the far corner. Occasionally he’ll score on a deft chip or smash a low shot before a goalie can react and lately he’s been unstoppable on free kicks. 

I recently read that humanity is getting dumber. Whether that’s because of unhealthy diets, garbage media, substandard schooling or the general inclination to never read anything, our habitation of a “stupidity-inducing environment” is causing the IQ of modern generations to plummet. But there’s hope, because here you are reading and here I am trying to not be garbage media man.

The genius of Lionel Messi propelled Barcelona to a 5-0 victory over Levante on Sunday evening in Valencia — the Argentine was involved in all five goals with a hat-trick and two assists. Luis Suarez also had a goal and was heavily involved in setting up two of Messi’s. The 31-year-olds are alright. 

The first goal arrived in the 35th minute after Messi danced across the top of the box. With defenders circling and closing around him, Messi pulled off an impossible reverse ball which Suarez converted with sublime control. 

The USWNT crushed Panama 5-0 to improve its record at the 2018 CONCACAF Women’s Championship to 2-0 with a goal difference of +11, all but guaranteeing a place in the semifinals of the competition and moving one step closer to automatic qualification for the 2019 World Cup in France.

Lionel Messi led the charge in Barcelona’s flying start the UEFA Champions League with a vintage display as Barça cruised to victory over Dutch champions PSV Eindhoven on Tuesday.

PSV became the 30th team to be pierced by Messi’s goal-scoring sword in Europe. He now has a record eight hat tricks in the UCL to his name, pulling him one ahead of Cristiano Ronaldo. Not only did the 31-year-old bag a few goals, but he was constantly working to find space, dictating the tempo and setting up his teammates.

Bayern Munich ran rampant against Eintracht Frankfurt in the 2018 German Super Cup — the curtain raiser for the German season — by posting a 5-0 victory thanks to a 33-minute hat-trick from rumored want-away Robert Lewandowski. 

This was a rematch of last season’s improbable DFB-Pokal final, where Eintracht shocked Bayern 3-1 with Niko Kovac in the dugout for die Adler. With Kovac now patrolling Bayern’s touchline as the successor to Jupp Heynckes, this match belonged to FC Hollywood from start to finish.