Game Recaps

A blockbuster Champions League encounter between Italian champions Juventus and Valencia — fourth place finishers in LaLiga — descended into farce when Cristiano Ronaldo was sent off 29 minutes into his UCL debut with the Old Lady. 

Ronaldo had been active and involved throughout the early proceedings, and Juventus really should’ve taken the lead through either Mario Mandzukic or Sami Khedira, but both put close range shots over the bar in the game’s opening period.

In the end, Shakhtar Donetsk’s trusted strategy of supplementing its Ukrainian core of players with a bunch of Brazilians proved, once again, a masterstroke — this time in spoiling the appearance of the youngest manager the Champions League has ever seen, Hoffenheim’s 31-year-old whizkid Julian Nagelsmann.

Diego Maradona’s debut as manager of Ascenso MX (Mexico’s second division) side Dorados FC coincided with the club earning its first win of the 2018 Apertura season, a 4-1 home victory over last-place Cafetaleros. Vinicio Angulo scored a hat-trick for Dorados, but the star of the show was obviously the 57-year-old on the touchline.

The North Carolina Courage defeated the Chicago Red Stars 2-0 on Tuesday night in the semifinals of the NWSL playoffs to setup a repeat of the 2017 final between the Courage and Portland Thorns FC. That match will take place at Providence Park on Saturday, Sept. 22, at 4:30 p.m. ET, with coverage on Lifetime. 

Tottenham is tired. How much of it is the World Cup? How much of it the complete lack of rejuvenation by way of transfers? How much of it is the media incessantly telling us that Tottenham’s tired (although Son Heung-min told us as much too)? How much of it is the dopey-looking faces of Harry Kane and Christian Eriksen? I just don’t know. 

Southampton’s Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg did it. The Danish midfielder achieved the kind of hit that we all dream of — the one that’s smacked so clean that it doesn’t spin, it just arrows its way on a straight course into the corner. It’s the kind of pure strike that'll undoubtedly give way to someone commenting, “So what?! I do that every Sunday in my Men’s League!” and that’s because they have absolutely zero understanding of what’s just happened here.

The Portland Thorns edged the Seattle Reign 2-1 in the first NWSL semifinal on Saturday at Providence Park in Portland, a second straight victory over their rivals to advance to the NWSL championship game on Sept. 22. 

Tobin Heath had a goal (and another called back) while Lindsey Horan headed in the winner in the 76th minute. It was a deserved win for a home side that had tremendous support from its fans, who will get to see their team go for a second straight title back at Providence Park against either North Carolina or Chicago. 

Liverpool was pretty good last year, if you’ll recall. Jurgen Klopp’s side reached the Champions League final and only Manchester City had fewer losses in Premier League play. 

This year, the Reds look even better.

The 2018-19 UEFA Women’s Champions League Round of 32 kicked off Wednesday with the likes of Lyon (the three-time defending champion), Chelsea, Wolfsburg, PSG and Linkoping all recording first leg victories.

The most resounding scoreline was Bayern Munich traveling to Serbia to take on Spartak Subotica and winning 7-0. The opening goal of the match was scored by 33-year-old American Gina Lewandowski (no relation to Robert). She previously won this competition with Frankfurt back in 2008, but she has only one USWNT cap to her name.

Excuse me, I have to type this so quietly because Croatia’s hungover as all hell at the moment, and I daren’t wake it. Today, Croatia opened its eyes in Elche before quickly closing them and muttering, “I think I’m going to die. I don’t think partying for 58 days straight was a good idea.” 

That’s the amount of time that’s elapsed between the nation’s runners-up finish at the World Cup and today’s 6-0 beatdown at the hands of La Furia Roja — a nickname which certainly sounds like the sort of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky product that’d do your head in.