For those who religiously follow and catalogue all of the endless nonsense I churn out (you’re terrifying), you’ll remember that back in February (Jesus, what have I done these last two months) I got really into the CONCACAF Beach Soccer Championship. It was really cold and I was really sad so I turned to the carnival of sand, merriment and bangers that is beach soccer for respite. Plus it was all streamed on Facebook for free.
Panama lit that tournament up like an arsonist in a dry pine needle factory, and every goal that was scored (all 15,000 of them) was like a stock photo of some dude ripping a bicycle kick.
So with great zest I circled the date on my calendar: April 27, the start of the 2017 FIFA Beach Soccer World Cup. I asked to be sent to the Bahamas to chronicle the action live and sauced on rum, but my request was turned down by superiors with little to no understanding of the people's thirst for such journalism.
Anyway, we’re off. Have some (and this is just day one).
| Iran's beach soccer team gets off to the perfect start at the 2017 #FIFABeachSoccer World Cup with a 3-2 win over Mexico. pic.twitter.com/0QgcPjcT4m
— Persian Football (@FootballPersian) April 27, 2017
Ayer tuvimos buenos golazos en el #FIFABeachSoccer pic.twitter.com/c2zufzAuf6
— TDMás (@tdmas_cr) April 28, 2017
So, what do I know about the field at this World Cup? Panama were nasty at the CONCACAF Championship, but they’ve been grouped with Portugal who, as the reigning world champions, are just mean.
CR7? No, just one bad beach soccer hombre named Madjer. Photo: @BeachSoccer_WW | Twitter
Portugal have their own beach soccer version of Cristiano Ronaldo in Madjer. Check out his Wikipedia statistics:
Just bangin' them in. Photo: Wikipedia
Pretty impressive, no? 500+ appearances, 1000+ goals, no one can even be bothered to keep track of the dude anymore. He eats overhead kicks for breakfast.
Day one also saw Senegal defeat Ecuador 9-0 and Italy put 12 past Nigeria, so I’m going to go ahead and mark them as teams to watch as well. One side that you’re probably gonna sleep on is Tahiti. Don’t. The Warrior Gods, I’m not making that up, are one of the best sides in the world and were runners-up in 2015.
Just pick a team and get behind them. Personally, I like cheering for landlocked countries because what the hell. My boys are Switzerland, and I challenge you to come at me with your boys.
Related: February Sucks, Why Aren't We All At The Beach Soccer Championship?
