Abby Wambach, the greatest goal scorer in U.S. soccer history, knows how you feel.
She understands the torment you face every day, the agony of decision plaguing couples every single night. The anguish, frustration and heartache over the inability to make one fucking decision.
Abby Wambach is all of us.
Wambach’s wife, acclaimed author Glennon Doyle, recorded what had to be their millionth debate over what’s for dinner on Wednesday and posted it to social media, as one does. Because they’re popular, famous and hilarious, the interaction was instantly relatable and a joy to behold.
Abby, who seems to have made all of the recent dinner decisions, is trying to coax a choice out of Glennon, who can’t even come up with the slightest idea.
“In your taste buds, go into your body,” said the woman who until recently was international soccer’s highest all-time scorer. “Tell me what you want! Just tell me! Burgers? Pizza? I’ll do anything!”
Glennon begs for a “genre” of food as if she’s picking a movie but Abby doesn’t bite. Abby is so desperate for Glennon to make an actual decision she even suggests Taco Bell, which is the modern-day equivalent of the classic Simpsons line:
Relationships around the world are enduring these same debates night after night, only heighted by the novel coronavirus pandemic, which limits options. Abby and Glennon merely put a hilarious face on the struggle we all face in the never-ending search for food and companionship. If only we all had Deal A Meal to help us decide what to eat.
So what did Abby and Glennon end up getting for dinner?
Taco Bell, of course.
On a side note, Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach's interactions on social media are priceless.
Just this week, Glennon called out Abby for being way too into bread.
View this post on Instagram
All day. All she does all day is talk about bread. Bread people are a whole THING, like Cross Fit people or Freshly Sober people or people who just found Jesus. Special language, books, club, attitude, rituals. Yesterday I caught her “taking the yeast for a walk” around our backyard. You will be tempted to assume I am joking and you will assume wrong. I’ve lost her. I just want her back on the couch. I’m jealous of BREAD. *second pic is my new pink head. I did it out of quarantine boredom but 100% this is who I am now. I cannot believe I wasted 44 years of my life without a rainbow head. Those dark, tamed days are over. I love you. G #GetUntamed
Recently, the two went back and forth over a comment from one of my favorite musicians Brandi Carlile about drinking from Yeti thermoses.
*new to gay culture, ordering thermos now. Is there a particular color we’re supposed to have? @AbbyWambach you gotta tell me these things im out here drinking out of straight cups jesus
OH MY GOD THESE??? I thought Brandi meant some kinda big thermos thing..THESE? Once again i am gay before i even know it. Submit to the board: extra gay points for pink hair? No? pic.twitter.com/eVjFrOLgxy
The interaction ended with the couple getting some free swag. And Yeti, if you’re paying attention, I’d like some free stuff too.
made my day I swear to god we aren’t being paid by @YETICoolers How many lesbians does it take to get a free thermos? Now we know the answer! In the wise words of Kate McKinnon “ladies I’m gonna need all your carabiners NOW” https://t.co/Nv4eP8wTPv— Brandi Carlile (@brandicarlile) May 19, 2020
Oh, and if my boss is reading and wondering why I haven’t been getting more clicks lately, take this tweet from a New York Times bestselling author into consideration.
I have not written a word during quarantine. Just a reminder to worried artists - there are times for creating and times for becoming the person who will create the next thing. For many of us, this is a becoming time. Rest and become. Love you.
And if anyone needs me, I’ll be at the Taco Bell drive through.