Christmas is widely considered to be the most wonderful time of the year by many, but football is different. There is no winter break and many teams will be thinking of the Boxing Day game as opposed to a turkey dinner, and it can be hard. What would make it even harder, however, is awarding those sides with what can only be described as the worst Christmas gifts of all time.
Chelsea — Crowd Noise Generator
Let's face it, Stamford Bridge isn't the most intimidating place in the world. Chelsea's fan base is certainly passionate but that isn't often represented at games, and they wouldn't like to be reminded of the fact that a playable voice recorder is more effective than their faithful supporters.
Liverpool — Gerrard Highlights 2013/14 DVD
Because yup, we all remember that season. If you're one of the three or four football fans that doesn't understand this reference, it's basically when Liverpool were a few wins away from lifting the Premier League title before Captain Gerrard slipped and ruined it all. Good times.
Manchester City — Fish & Chips
Given that Pep Guardiola and the majority of his squad have come from the luxurious and cultural nations of Spain and Germany, this is probably the last thing they want to see. A big, greasy pile of delightful fish & chips that provides satisfaction for English people everywhere.
Arsenal — Allianz Arena Stadium Tour
After the last few weeks of absolute terror have pretty much ruined Christmas for Arsenal, they wouldn't be best pleased if it was topped off with a tour to a stadium they know far too well. "That's where the Gunners were knocked out of the UCL a million times" the tour guide would utter.
Tottenham — Spurs Water Bottle
This one speaks for itself. Tottenham Hotspur are the biggest bottle jobs in the history of football, and the last thing the club needs is a painful reminder of that fact. This water bottle would make fans and players alike cry into their Christmas stockings. What a shame.
Man United — Christmas Carolers
Jose Mourinho is literally the most miserable man on the face of the planet. If someone left a kitten at his door, the guy would probably boot it 10 miles up town. So just imagine his face if a bunch of Christmas Carolers knocked on the gates at Old Trafford. Priceless stuff.
Southampton — A Bag Of Money
What? A bag of money, you ask? But that's a nice thing! Not to the Saints, it's not. You see every time Southampton are awarded with a crap-load of money it usually means one thing: their best players are being sold off to bigger teams again. A painful and endless process.
West Brom — A Stereotypes Book
Tony Pulis is a creature of habit, and over the years not much has changed when it comes to his managerial style. Thankfully for Baggies fans it's worked out pretty well so far this season, but for those who want to see more attractive football a Stereotypes book may remind them of their boring techniques.
Everton — Man Management For Dummies
There's probably a lot of things Ronald Koeman is good at, but one of them certainly isn't man management. He doesn't run training that often, rarely goes to youth games and his tactical stubbornness is going to destroy Everton. This book would be a giant waste of time.
Bournemouth — Postcard From Arsenal
It's coming. The subtle hints and the innocent flirting here and there. This is the beginning of the end for Bournemouth as inevitably, we all know Eddie Howe will wind up becoming Arsenal's next manager once Wenger leaves. Enjoy it whilst it lasts, Cherries fans.
But hey, we can only assume that everyone involved with all these clubs is rich - so perhaps they deserve a rubbish gift every once in a while. Merry Christmas, you filthy animals!
