Why Colombia Must Not Be Allowed To Win The World Cup

For many, especially in South America, the World Cup is everything. Every four years football fans tune in with hopes of seeing their country lift the trophy. For some (Germany, Brazil), this is a legitimate expectation. For others (England, the U.S.), it’s a mere pipe dream. The Colombia World Cup hopes are somewhere in between, but I really hope Los Cafeteros aren’t the last ones standing in Russia come July.

To be clear, I have nothing against Colombia. I enjoy watching them play, especially their successful 2014 run under José Pékerman. They have some of the best players in the world coming from clubs like Bayern Munich, Barcelona, Juventus, Arsenal, Tottenham, AC Milan and Brighton & Hove Albion, led by the charismatic James Rodriguez and the ageless Radamel Falcao. They play with flair and panache on the attacking end and stern defiance on the defensive end, a beautiful fusion of the best qualities from Colombia.

But I don’t want Colombia to win the World Cup. We must not allow it to happen.

The most recognizable soccer player in Colombian history — perhaps even in all of South America after Pele — is one Carlos Valderrama. El Pibe appeared 111 times for Los Cafeteros, the most in team history, and is still the most distinguishable player in the country. It is because of Valderrama that I hope the Colombia World Cup dream dies short of a world championship.

Carlos Valderrama against Paul Scholes. Photo: @waterliker | Twitter

Speaking with RT recently, for whom Valderrama will be an analyst during the World Cup, El Pibe said he would shave off his iconic floppy, curly, blond mop if Colombia wins the World Cup.

We cannot allow this to happen! Do we really want to live in a world where Carlos Valderrama does not have a luxurious frizzy fro? I know I don’t.

A world without Valderrama’s hair is like a world without love, a world without soccer, a world without Dr. Pepper. Colombia must not be allowed to win the World Cup. El Pibe must keep his mane. World order must be maintained.