Pepe Is The Dickhead We’d Send To Fight Mars’ Biggest Dickhead

Eyes bulging, brows knitted and limbs a collection of angular bludgeoning tools, Pepe came rumbling and tumbling toward Raheem Sterling in the back of the area after nearly committing a series of fouls with only one thing on his mind: to successfully commit a foul this time.

If there was an ounce of embellishment on Sterling’s part it was only in that he immediately recognized Pepe’s cruel intentions and tried to save himself. 

Italy’s Lorenzo Pellegrini Curls Three Corner Kicks Straight Out Of Play

Italy coach Roberto Mancini fumed over the state of the pitch after his team were held to a 0-0 draw away to Poland in the Nations League on Sunday.

After a glaring miss by Federico Chiesa early in the game, Italy struggled to create chances and managed only three shots on target despite enjoying 60% of possession. Even so, Italy extended their unbeaten run to 18 matches as they stayed top of League A Group One with five points from three games. The Netherlands and Poland have four each and Bosnia two.

Local Man Gets Trapped Inside Soccer Net For Four Days

This is the story of Brendan O’Hare getting stuck in a soccer net and surviving off raw sweet corn, but it’s also a stern morality tale centered around finding your place in a non-corn world. 

If you’re interested in more, check out the “This Is Branchburg” podcast on Adult Swim or peruse the Brendan and Cory YouTube channel. 

Jack Wilshere And Danny Welbeck Without Clubs Following Transfer Deadline Day

As the transfer window slammed shut on Monday, two former England internationals were left stuck outside in the cold.

Ex-Manchester United and Arsenal striker Danny Welbeck and former Gunner Jack Wilshere ended the trading period without clubs after their contracts were terminated.

Welbeck was released by Watford after their relegation from the Premier League left them looking to cut their wage bill. Media reports said the 29-year-old, who has suffered a series of injuries in his career, was earning $130,000 a week at the club.

England Stars Sancho, Abraham And Chilwell Busted After Video Shows Trio Partying

Chelsea stars Tammy Abraham and Ben Chilwell are in hot water along with Borussia Dortmund’s Jadon Sancho after video was released from a party held in London this past weekend. 

Abraham, celebrating his 23rd birthday, came home to a large group of friends and family ready to surprise him. His Chelsea teammate Chilwell and Dortmund’s Sancho were among the group.

Manchester United Concedes 6 Of The Most Uniquely Dumb Goals Imaginable

Tottenham gave Manchester United a historic beatdown on Sunday, winning 6-1 at Old Trafford after scoring four goals in an opening 37-minute barrage that also saw Anthony Martial sent off.

And things started so brightly for the Red Devils after Davinson Sánchez hacked down Martial in the area, leading to a Bruno Fernandes penalty with only two minutes on the clock.

Enter Harry Maguire.