The kiddos are going back to school and that means you’re going to be back watching youth soccer on the sideline. Sure, you love watching your kid play, but deep down you’re secretly dreading drives to practice and early morning games.
Not to fear as The18 is here to give you five things that will make this season the best one ever. If you have all five of these items, then you’re in for one spectacular time watching children kick around a ball while you could have been home watching HGTV.
5 Things All Soccer Moms Needs This Season
5. A New Buick
Listen, when you got the car in 2014 it was your baby and one-of-a-kind vehicle. Eight years later the moms on the other team are showing you up with their fancy-prancy 2021 models.
If you’re getting the new Buick then make sure you line the floor with some WeatherTech, because your child somehow drags in half the field on your car floor.
“Please don’t have Heather sit next to me, please don’t have Heather sit next to me, please don’t have Heather sit next to me…”
“OH! Hey Heather, of course you can sit next to me!”
Damn it. This woman talks for the entire length of the game about nonsense and now you’re stuck next to her for the foreseeable future. We all know a Heather, a soccer mom with a mouth that does more running than her kid is doing out on the field.
A good ol’ fashion pair of earplugs will block out her and her incessant chit-chat.
3. 100 Cans Of Febreze
Oh yes, nothing quite like the smell of sweaty shin guards in the morning. You love your kid, but if they leave out their stinky cleats and shin guards one more time there’s going to be an intervention.
This house used to smell fine before the blasted season started.
Now, should the Febreze scent be “Berry & Bramble” or do we prepare for fall season with the “Pumpkin Patch” smell?
2. A New Thermos
You’re going to need this bad boy for those morning games. They definitely lied when they said that the best part of waking up was Folgers in your cup. Why must you drive to some godforsaken field that’s two hours away for a 9 a.m. kickoff?
If the team goes down 3-0, then you’re dumping out the coffee and replacing it with whatever hard alcohol will get you through the last 30 minutes of the game.
1. A Giant Red Sharpie
What could I possibly need a sharpie for you might ask?
It’s not for the soccer games that’s for sure. The sharpie is here to cross out any and all weekend plans you had for the foreseeable future. No vacations, no trips, no lady’s night, we’re talking ZIP, ZILCH, ZERO.
Kiss your freedom goodbye and get those folding chairs ready. No one can ever say you haven’t sacrificed anything for your kid.