MLS Rankings Of Power: Week Three

We’ve never understood power rankings, especially when you can just look at the standings for an official, unarguable list of who’s the best (The Timber Joeys!) and who’s the worst (New England Revs!). So, with a desire to not do something so unnecessary and redundant, but rather create a new list that makes very little sense, we present: The MLS Rankings of Power.

Every week, we’ll update this monstrosity in the hope of finding the most powerful person, place or thing in the most major of major soccer leagues. Let us continue.

MLS Rankings of Power: Week One

MLS Rankings of Power: Week Two

Dropping from the top 10: Peter Vermes, Diving, Mark Geiger

The Colorado Rapids’ Suffocating Defense (-6)

The Colorado Rapids gave up two goals to Minnesota United in Commerce City, sending them hurtling down the rankings. The Loons are really only built to attack, and they’ll probably need to score at least three goals to ever win a match, but the Rapids gave up two goals at home for the first time in 19 regular-season games.

Sneaky, Sneaky San Jose (-4)

San Jose were defeated by Sporting Kansas City, but what’s more, their sneakiness was used against them. A deflected shot that was going wide somehow snuck through David Bingham’s hands, deflected off his leg and went in the net. Absurdly sneaky, just not in favor of San Jose.

How Many Fans Is Too Many Fans, Atlanta? (No Change)

Our theory of Atlanta United simply having too many fans was slightly disproven after they defeated Chicago 4-0 in front of 45,922 spectators. However, it was the Fire, so the theory remains.

DC United Raccoons (New Entry)
DC United raccoon

DC United's unofficial mascot, a raccoon.

NittanyOrange | Imgur

Three weeks in and DC United remain the only club not to have scored a goal. However, with raccoons frequenting their decrepit RFK Stadium, the team has once again turned to their unofficial mascot to provide fans with some reason for joy. Cuddle power looks off the charts.

David Villa (-4)

David Villa was held off the scoresheet in New York City’s 1-1 draw with Montreal. The Impact found a way to defend him.

Tifo Game So Strong

We've always known about the strength of Seattle and Portland's tifo game, but FC Dallas brought the meme heat this weekend and Atlanta said no to racism. 

Seattle Sounders tifo

The Seattle Sounders tifo. Photo: @ssfcvictorylap | Twitter

Portland Timbers tifo

The Portland Timbers tifo. Photo: @DiegoDv8 | Twitter

FC Dallas tifo

The FC Dallas tifo. Photo: @ElMatadorFCD | Twitter

Atlanta United tifo

The Atlanta United tifo. Photo: @ThePeachReview | Twitter

Being A Cherub Boy

The precocious little cherub boy of the Pacific Northwest is off and running. The 22-year-old sweetheart used his pair of little wings to flutter into the box and score. Not bad for a nascent toddler.

Vadim Demidov (-2)
Brent Kallman

Brent Kallman replaced Vadim Demidov in the heart of Minnesota's defense.

@MNUFC | Twitter

Minnesota United claimed their first point after dropping captain Vadim Demidov from the starting XI on Saturday. It just goes to show how powerful and influential he is, because Minnesota looked tremendously improved with Minnesota native Brent Kallman showing nothing but heart against Colorado.


Another home match for Orlando, another victory. Even without the injured Kaka Orlando City were still able to defeat Philadelphia behind a Cyle Larin brace — Scotland beware!

Kellyn Acosta (+8)

Last week I said that Kellyn Acosta would climb these rankings with a solid performance against Pachuca in the CCL. He did this.

The CONCACAF Champions League isn't MLS, but I make the rules.

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