MLS Rankings Of Power: Week Seven

We’re about a quarter of the way through the MLS regular season (some teams have played eight, some seven and some six, so who really knows) but can we safely say we’re a quarter of the way towards discovering the most oomph-inducing force in the majorest of major leagues? I think so, and, I’ve got to say, things are shaping up better than I ever could’ve imagined. 

For one, we’re still doing this, which is a testament to perverse willpower. For two, I had a vision last night — a dream. I saw a man bedecked in flowing white robes, bedazzled with the graceful BeJewelery that signifies a man of wealth and taste. 

I approached him as he turned to me; it was the mighty Sigi Schmid, and he said, “Go on, son. None of us believe in you, but you just have to, you know, make a listicle.”

Sigi Skywalker

I have had my vision.

We go again.

  1. Week I
  2. Week II
  3. Week III
  4. Week IV
  5. Week V
  6. Week VI

Dropping from the top 10: DC United Raccoons; Peter Vermes

Having All The Feels (-3)

Sebastian Giovinco was subbed off in the 84th minute with Toronto FC leading Chicago 3-0. He acted like a small child who's spent way too much time in line at airport security.

Then we have this: not since seeing Captain John H. Miller land his 2nd Ranger Battalion on Normandy in Saving Private Ryan have we felt such empathy and grief. 

Sneaky, Sneaky San Jose (POWERFUL RETURN)

Everyones favorite group of crafty little s**ts has returned to the top 10 behind Chris Wondolowski sneakin’ to the back post and goin’ full Charlie Brown.

The Only Person You Can Depend On Is Yourself (New entry)

This new entry has a chance of resonating with the millennials that we really want to attract to our website. Millennials, of course, are entitled little self-centered monsters who live in their own nefarious realities.

These goals are for the Millennials! Not all those who wander are lost! Buy our gear! Realize your self-worth! Follow our Facebook! We got memes that are so loud your neighbors will come over and ask you to turn it down! Snapchat and Tinder!

The Chicago Fire’s Road To Russia (-6)

The Bastian Schweinsteiger love-in is over after the Chicago Fire came up against Italy/Jozy Bradley over the weekend. There’s still a lot of work to be done before this summer's Confederations Cup.

Kellyn Acosta (-2)

FC Dallas are the league’s only remaining undefeated team after defeating Sporting KC 1-0. Acosta’s match didn't provide the highlight reel material that he’s so often given us this season, but he showed the defensive side of his game.

I once wrote an article about how Acosta should start for the USMNT instead of Jermaine Jones. Let’s take a little look here.

Acosta defensive work vs. Kansas City (1-0 W): 2 tackles, 0 tackles lost, 3 interceptions, 7 recoveries, 1 foul committed, 1 foul suffered 

Kellyn Acosta

Jermaine Jones defensive work vs. Seattle Sounders (0-3 L): 1 tackle, 1 tackle lost, 0 interceptions, 4 recoveries, 3 fouls committed, 1 foul suffered.

Jermaine Jones

Footy McFooty Face (+5)
Footy McFooty Face

We thought last week would be the end of Footy McFooty Face on the list of power. We were wrong. The petition to build Footy McFooty Face Place reached over 100,000 signatures in only two weeks, showing MLS that people are behind SDFCFMFF. THEY'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE! EVER!

David Villa (-1)

NYCFC lost to Orlando City, but as long as David Villa keeps scoring goals like this, I’m going to continue to show them to you.

Being A Cherub Boy (+3)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Cardinal has landed. Precocious tiny-tot-striker-boy got his second goal of the campaign — his first in four matches — to lift Seattle with his little angel wings over the Galaxy.

V̶a̶d̶i̶m̶ ̶D̶e̶m̶i̶d̶o̶v̶ Brent Kallman (+3)
Brent Kallman

Minnesota United kept their first clean sheet in the club’s MLS history, and Kallman was a big part of it for 66 minutes. Just look at what his mere presence did to Kevin Doyle in the box.

Unfortunately, Kallman had to be replaced in the 66th minute with an injury, indicating that he might actually not be a Norse god.



It wasn’t in front of THE WALL, it was in front of a bunch of Yanks, but there’s just too much raw horsepower in Orlando not to give them the top spot. Jason Kreis returned to New York and defeated the club that only gave him one season to do his thing, if Villarreal paid $10 million for Jozy Altidore back in 2008, I can't even fathom how much Cyle Larin will cost and Orlando is on top in the East.

And they return to THE WALL next weekend with this guy returning to fitness.

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