MLS Rankings Of Power: Week Four

We’ve never understood power rankings, especially when you can just look at the standings for an official, unarguable list of who’s the best (The Timber Joeys!) and who’s the worst (Kyle Beckerman's Roving Circus of Misfits!). So, with a desire to not do something so unnecessary and redundant, but rather create a new list that makes very little sense, we present: The MLS Rankings of Power.

Every week, we’ll update this monstrosity in the hope of finding the most powerful person, place or thing in the most major of major soccer leagues. Let us continue.

MLS Rankings of Power: Week One

MLS Rankings of Power: Week Two

MLS Rankings of Power: Week Three

Dropping from the top 10: The Colorado Rapids’ Suffocating Defense, Sneaky, Sneaky San Jose, Being A Cherub Boy

Footy McFooty Face (New entry)
Footy McFooty Face

Footy McFooty Face

@LakersGrrrrl | Twitter

The vision of naming San Diego’s MLS club Footy McFooty Face gained massive momentum throughout the club’s online voting process, literally stomping the competition. However, a really lame PSA confirmed that the club would not give the people what they want, and they’ll probably be called Atletico San Diego United FCSC or something.

Any way, they did provide us with a mockup of the Footy McFooty Face logo, and it really doesn’t get anymore powerful than this chum right here. Look at those biceps and jaws of steel.


THE WALL was empty.

@OrlandoCitySC | Twitter

It’s been an incredibly up and down stay on the Rankings of Power for Orlando City’s THE WALL. After winning their first two matches at home, Orlando travelled to Columbus and were defeated 2-0.

The power of THE WALL may have invested itself too heavily upon their players, making them incapable of playing without their beloved designated smoke bomb section. The good news for Orlando is they’re back at home on Sunday against a certain taurine-infused fizzy drink company.

How Many Fans Is Too Many Fans, Atlanta? (No change)

Atlanta travelled to Seattle to take on the defending Cup champs at the Link, but the two sides played out a 0-0 draw with Clint Dempsey thumping a header off the post.

The match also served as a matchup between the team that used to always boast about having the most support vs. the team that’s taken that mantle from them. But we’ve still got some strange things brewing down in Atlanta that might point to the club as having too many fans with too many bad ideas.

Tifo Game So Strong (-2)

Toronto provided us with a nice effort before their match against Sporting KC.

And the Chicago Fire are looking to rise from the ashes with Bastian Schweinsteiger.

DC United Raccoons (+1)
Rally Racoon

Rally Raccoon


DC United brought out their “rally raccoons” the other week, and the fluffy medium-sized mammals immediately made an impact. Not only did United score their first goal of the season, they scored a second as well — enough to defeated the Philadelphia Union 2-1. 

Checkout Bill Hamid’s power.

Being An MLS Cup 2015 Finalist (New entry)

After reaching the 2015 MLS Cup Final, both Columbus and Portland failed to make the playoffs last year. This season, both have an MLS-leading 10 points with records of 3-1-1. 

Portland are still struggling on the defensive side of the ball, but they certainly look more compact and disciplined than last year. It really doesn’t matter though when Diego Valeri and Fanendo Adi are playing the way they are.

Adi has a league-best 19 shots and four goals. Valeri has 16 shots and five goals.

David Villa (+2)

David Villa didn’t get on the scoresheet in NYCFC’s 2-1 victory over San Jose, but he was heavily involved in the buildup for both, including this remarkable assist to Jack Harrison for City’s first.

Chicago Fire’s Road To Russia (New entry)

The Chicago Fire greatly increased their chances at Russia 2018 by adding a man who’s been there and done that, Chicago Fire international Bastian Schweinsteiger. A draw against Montreal wasn’t the result they were looking for, but it’s a step in the right direction. Can’t imagine what the World Cup viewing parties are gonna be like at Millennium Park — absolute scenes.

Vadim Demidov (+1)

Since Week III of the MLS Rankings of Power, Minnesota United FC has played two matches. As one of the unfortunate clubs scheduled to play over the international break, they had their squad depth decimated by call-ups, injuries and a suspension. Enter our boy, center back Vadim Demidov. With Demidov in the lineup, Minnesota has surrendered 16 goals and lost three matches.

Without him, they’ve given up four goals in two matches and collected four points. No player on the planet, including Lionel Messi, has displayed such a powerful influence on his team or an entire league.

Kellyn Acosta (No change)

Kellyn Acosta climbed into the No. 1 spot last week after I promised that he would with a strong performance against Pachuca. He did that. FC Dallas were off this weekend, so his spot here remains entirely on tomorrow’s return leg in Mexico. 

And next weekend, FC Dallas host Minnesota, so the Acosta hype train will surely gain some more momentum there.

Another strong Acosta performance in that match might lead to the addition of negative integers in this number line, that would powerful af. 

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